My partner (F) and I (M) are ENM and we outlined clear rules and expectations.
One of these is a "dont tell me, I don't want to know" policy from my partner. In other words, she's fully supportive of me having playtime, but doesn't want to know when/who/how. We trust each other to follow our rules and boundaries during play.
My issue is when I'm trying to meet ENM partners and set meetups. Understandably they want to make sure play is approved from our respective partners, but when I try to explain the don't tell policy it seems to raise red flags and we lose that element of trust. I get the feeling like I come off as a creep or they think I'm hiding something. Any advice on how to navigate this?
I'm using feeld in a small town in central Canada; perhaps this is just a result of using this particular app?
As a couple in the lifestyle who plays with single men, anytime someone comes out with "We have a don't ask, don't tell policy" it's an immediate red flag for us. If your wife is unwilling to confirm in any way, there is no way for us to verify that you're not cheating on her or that she even exists to begin with. Also, we question as to whether or not a "don't ask, don't tell" policy even falls under ethical non-monogamy. You've already introduced an element of secrecy into the mix. If she doesn't want to know who, where, when, etc. how are you supposed to meet up with anyone without lying about where you're going, who you're meeting, and what you're doing.
If she is so uncomfortable with knowing that you might be with someone else, then maybe non-monogamy isn't for you as a couple. It's always going to be a red flag with ethical couples and singles. Put yourself in their shoes. Say you meet someone who is in a relationship. They say that they are allowed to see others outside of their primary relationship, but you're not allowed to verify that in any way. You'll never see or meet their partner, and all of your meet ups will be at times when they aren't around. Any communication between you is going to be kind of on the down low. Do you trust them?
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You're welcome