I currently identify as monogamous and my partner is poly and open. We've been open for about a year now and it's been really difficult confusing. For us, identifying our relationship is what we struggle with the most. Recently, I decided to close off our relationship because I just felt like it didn't align with my values. I just physically and emotionally cannot bring myself to do it. It almost pains me. For a long time, I was convincing myself that this was for me. I was so scared of losing what we both have if I didn't just TRY. So I did but it didn't feel right. There's so many factors to navigate. I still am open to explore (maybe not right now because there's a lot going on in my life). But being demisexual and navigating the dating sex scene is incredibly difficult. We also have a large age gap. I'm the younger one and in the stage of my twenties figuring out who I am. I still have so much to learn about myself so who knows? My partner is a lot older with so much more life experience and knows fundamentally who they are.

Now, having expressed my boundaries with my partner, I feel a lot of guilt shame because I know how important it is for them. They need their needs satisfied. It pains me that they're not able to do that right now. But it also pains me to be in an open relationship. However, we had a long conversation and they ultimately concluded that they would give up polyamory for me. We see each other as life partners and I could not imagine a future where they're not in it. I love them so much. We've talked about exploring filling their needs in other avenues by going to play parties together, getting tied up by a shibari rope artist (solo), and more. We're committed to each other and have a lot of trust in each other. I just feel so much guilt for them not being able to be open. I never want them to feel trapped nor unsatisfied. We've talked about this and they have assured me that, right now, they're perfectly satisfied. If they weren't they would tell me. I love them so much that if in any case it doesn't end up satisfying their needs, I would go our separate ways just for them to be happy. Though, they've said that losing me is not worth it if it means not investing in sexual relations with others. They would just not do it.

I'm just feeling so conflicted. On one end, I'm thinking "okay, I got this. It's just a couple days out of the year that I have to deal with it. It's worth it for them." On the other end, I'm thinking "I can't do it. It just is not me and it pains me and it casts a shadow over our relationship." I just love them and want to feel compersion for whoever they're with but I'm just not there right now. Of course we have talked about other ways to satisfy needs but I still can't shake the feeling if what if it doesn't which leads me to these two thoughts. Anyone have gone through anything similar?