---This was a post wrote first week of September--

My (41m) wife (40f) had an amazing breakthrough very recently, mentally escaping a lot of her past conditioning, such as religious guilt, shaming, and the judgmental karenesq type family dynamics. She opened up to me about past secrets, an affair, and other odds and ends that she had never been able to face before. It was incredible to see her finally feel free, and it was worth the wait.

Her first FMF was amazing for her, and the first two MFM experiences were again pure pleasure for her. That said, they went sideways, each for unique and unfortunate reasons. However, each time, I made sure to go the extra mile to ensure she still got to experience the thrill and excitement of those encounters. We always communicated and originally agreed that our primary goal was to fully experience both dynamics together, with our intimate bond getting all the energy and excitement of the afterglow to enhance our connection.

At home, we’ve faced the usual obstacles with availability and energy for intimate time due to responsibilities like kids in school, sports, and work schedules. Still, we made time among these responsibilities.

With the 3rd experiences, planning and preparing for those experiences gave us so much positive energy. Seeing her excitement and outfit changes and all that first date night type energy was perfect.

Even with the hurdles that could have canceled any playing for her happening at all, I succeeded in adjusting to ensure she had the most mind-blowing experience possible. This was a top priority, especially since she was completely new to experiencing this pleasure with the freedom from guilt.

Since the last MFM, however, the usual obstacles have somehow prevented us from putting effort and energy into our time together. It’s been disappointing because the reality is that it should be an easy fix. Yet, despite our intentions, it just hasn’t happened. Plans keep falling through.

Now significant to say as well that also after this last encounter, both of her two male 3rds have stopped communicating with her—something we both expected as they are young military guys, making it ideal for avoiding unnecessary attachments— It's disheartening that they did this, and I can see how it’s affected her. Her flame for those experiences has diminished due to the abrupt end in communication. I encouraged her to put some minimal energy into seeking out backups so that she wouldn’t be left at square one when they inevitably parted ways. Unfortunately, there were no backups, and due to feeling down about the sudden silence, she has no motivation to pursue other connections until this cloud passes.

So, I'm really not sure how to feel comfortable with her telling me she doesn't think she will find a way to be ok with me having my experience with a female that I have gladly been patiently holding back from. I felt it was my duty to focus my energy on her pleasure and kept waiting on her actions following through with efforts on us. Somehow, the energy was never focused properly on us no matter how many times it was planned and promised to me.

I really don't want to feel like a bad guy for doing something I was told was important to both of us. She got my above and beyond support with allowing her to have the most exciting experiences she's ever had. I just can't pretend I can be ok doing without her support the way she was given mine. She says she wants it all to stop without me getting any experiences with her and I experiencing them together as intended.

I feel taken for granted and underappreciated and have no idea what to sacrifice. My fair, amazing experiences like she had and being made feel like a bad guy for it or letting her see me settle for less than I deserve and letting her break all the promises she made while I gave all my love to her getting the best experiences possible. <<

---Here's a post that I wrote in October---

[because I got another promise to make everything right but I thought it was the answer to everything if I gave in and did this for her even paying for the room and making sure that she had everything she needed just like always but this one was much different]

my wife (40F) and I (41M) have had three different threesome partners (20m 26f and 24m) none of which went as planned but mind blowing amazing for her. Which was fine-we always picked up and moved on to the next. Our last experience involved her asking to play solo with the 24yo guy. Everything that had gone wrong in the past essentially stemmed from me having to stand on the sidelines. I now understand that was a mistake for various reasons. It prevented her from ever experiencing a proper spit roast, DP, or DVP, and it also kept me from having the fun with her dirctly involved that we had initially agreed upon.

However, she was new to all of this, and I wanted to make sure that, regardless of time limitations or another person's performance issues, she had the most amazing time possible. That's exactly what she did. She had an incredible time in those moments, even though I had to make adjustments that left me feeling unfulfilled in the experiences.

When she asked for a solo experience, was not okay with it. For me, it felt like it undermined the purpose of sharing these experiences together. While it might have seemed like jealousy on the surface, it had nothing to do with the guy or me feeling inferior. What bothered me was her desire to do something private, as it conflicted with the connection and shared intimacy we'd been building through these experiences.

Still, I allowed it. Even though she could see how much it hurt me, she tried to reassure me that once she got this experience out of her system, she'd be able to redirect her passion and connection back toward me in the way she hadn't been able to before. She said that everything between us would be amazing afterward.

Instead, the next day, she sent me a breakup text. It made absolutely no sense to me. My first observation Was that she was still in the fog of NRE (New Relationship Energy) with the guy It took about two days for that fog to clear. I then pointed out the parts of her breakup letter that made no sense, and she eventually acknowledged that she had been overwhelmed and confused We agreed to get back together.

Now, my issue lies in the fact that she no longer wants anything to do with any MFM or FMF experiences. I'm concerned that, deep down, she won't be able to find the same satisfaction and excitement without those dynamics. The experiences she had were absolutely incredible for her, but when she looks back now, she feels guilt over things not going the way they should have. She focuses on seeing me upset and regrets not ensuring that I had the experiences we had agreed upon, even though I went out of my way to make adjustments so she could enjoy hers fully.

I want to salvage things so she isn't denying herself or me these experiences. I fear left as is she will grow a longing she will begin to resent me for.<<

:::The follow up post to that post:::

I wanted to provide an update on my situation. My wife (39F) and I (41M) have had a lot to work through, and it feels like we’re at a crossroads. We’ve explored open dynamics in the past, including three different threesomes (20M, 26F, and 24M). While those experiences were incredible for her, I often had to put my own desires aside to ensure she had the best time possible.

The turning point came when she asked for a solo encounter with one of the previous partners. I wasn’t comfortable with it, but I agreed because she assured me it was something she needed to get out of her system and that it would bring us closer. Instead, the opposite happened—she ended things with me the next day in a text.

We eventually reconciled, but now she’s completely shut down any interest in MFM or FMF dynamics. What’s been harder is learning that about a week ago, she admitted to having contacted this guy behind my back. This revelation has only deepened my frustration and hurt.

On top of this:

We haven’t had any significant intimacy since all of this happened.

She has been uninterested in going to therapy despite me suggesting it and us agreeing multiple times.

I’ve done everything I can think of to support her, including paying for her to start HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and other treatments she suggested might help.

I’ve made significant efforts to focus on our relationship, but I’m not seeing the same effort from her. It feels like I’m carrying this relationship on my own, and I’m starting to feel like maybe I need to focus on myself and find Gratification else where for a while just regain my calm and mojo—before I can even begin to focus on "us."

My fear is that by stepping back to focus on myself, I’ll push us further apart. But at this point, I feel drained from putting in effort without receiving much in return.

For those who’ve been in similar situations:

How do you handle a partner who isn’t putting in effort to rebuild intimacy or trust?

At what point do you step back and focus on yourself? How do you navigate that without losing the relationship entirely?

Is there hope for rebuilding when one partner seems unwilling to meet halfway?

I’m at a loss and unsure of the best way forward. Any advice, particularly from wives who’ve faced similar challenges, would be deeply appreciated.

:::So now the point of this post:: I fought hard. Without the promises made ever coming and without even intimacy between us ever returning, I remained patiently pushing forward, doing everything I can to make her life as good as possible. So many requests from her involved her promising now just the basic gesture of some sort of connection and intimacy returning to us. Despite all the advice I got to run away from this situation and leave immediately, and that there was no hope, the kind of person I am required that I could not give up on her. I know that she needs therapy, and I obviously do myself at this point, but in the meantime, last night I told her that I have no choice but to reestablish my boundaries. I told her that for all that has been done at this point, I cannot justify any less than every promise made being kept going all the way back to the beginning. The reason being is because realistically she won't be happy knowing she is with someone that would settle for less than what they are worth. Also, she won't be happy unless she can remember and accept again her need to experience attention and pleasure from more than just one man.

Whatever NTE, NRE, brain fog, afterglow, drunk on excitement, or emotional confusion from all that pleasure, I made sure to do everything to provide for her broke us. The guilt of her thoughts and decisions and hardships it brought to this relationship caused her to throw away everything that she had learned and everything in between that we learned together that brought us closer. Unfortunately, now she has forgotten all the pleasure and doesn't remember all the love that I gave her with all my effort and then all my patience and love in between.

So I decided that the only answer is to reestablish boundaries of being able to trust in her word and not settle for less than all of the promises made from the beginning to the end being kept. I can rest and find peace with the idea that if it ends us, then she will be able to move on and get a partner she can appreciate and respect and maybe find worth the standard I showed she should have for her own worth. Something, again I'm doing, with this decision to reestablish the boundary of her keeping her word and promises and showing appreciation, respect, integrity, and desire for me. This will ensure her freedom to be happy, whether it be with or without me, and ideally give her the opportunity to work on herself in a way that works best for her.

AITH?