29F (me) and 40M (partner) started the ENM journey about a year and a half ago. Some of you might have seen my deleted posts on and off.

My partner had been interested in ENM and i understood the logics for it for our relationship. I’m more mono in my heart but bicurious but lack sexual experience, compared to my partner.

I had been on the fence at the start to be honest, as i really imagined more of a deeper more solid foundation of our mono relationship, then maybe adding a third to try, or something more slowly before it came to each of us individually seeking other play partners. At the start of the conversation and discussion, it was more about “lets see what’s out there”, “have open discussions”, “dipping our toes”. It took a lot of me crying and many arguments. I won’t lie, of course, the thought that if i didn’t accept what my boyfriend was presenting to me, i would lose my relationship.

We both were not in a good mindset not too long after the “agreement” was agreed.

Fast forward a year and a half we’re stronger as a couple and engaged and also grown more in the ENM sphere in terms of having moments where he’s gone on dates, we’ve talked about it before/after, sometimes there’s fights, sometimes there’s no fights, sometimes he shares things with me and sometimes he doesn’t.

After a big fight, i was told that not too long after we had our “agreement”, he had slept with someone. They did it in the second bedroom of our then apartment. It wasn’t in our bed so..it fit the rules we set, though i hate to remember the nights i slept in that bedroom or had moments crying about how much i felt hurt by my partner in that very bedroom, without even knowing.

I know..people will say - break up if you can’t handle ENM, or work on your jealousy, or your partner and you need to work on communication, or go to therapy (i am, and me and my partner will be seeing a couple’s therapist soon).

I’m working through everything in my head and yes i’ve contemplated and been on the brink of breaking up. It’s an ongoing pattern of understanding, accepting, grieving, excitement, then fear, then understanding. It changed the way i think about my relationship and how honest my partner will ever be with me and what i know to be true.

In either case, i need to accept i cannot entice my partner the same way someone else can, and truly it upsets me, but what can i do? I made my choices, i could and can still leave but does not feel like the right choice after long vulnerable discussions with my partner.

I want to ask people in this group, have you been in a situation like mine? I mean..lets say i feel frisky and want to look at some adult videos, and now anytime i see a penis, i think of my partner fucking someone else and not me. He says he still finds me attractive, but it becomes so difficult to have sex. Even in the most optimal situation (ie off work, no stress, slept well- my partner feels too relaxed). And it doesn’t help that well..for me, not for my partner, sex/making love to him, makes me feel closer to him. Makes me feel vulnerable and one with him- that close intimacy, that being desired. Sure i have sexual wants and needs- to be able to be raw and lustful, but with him, it’s that closeness of desire, one-ness and love. I feel rejected that he can’t with me, but easier with lust for someone else.

I feel both close (in one way) and very distant (in another way).

If anyone has been in my position, i would love to hear your thoughts.