I (29F) have been with my partner (40M) for 2 years. We’ve discussed ENM in the past, officially decided we might try to dip our toes after a year of dating. He’s much more proactive than i am. Essentially what it looks like for us is:

me exploring my bicuriousity by going on dates with women. No emotional bonds.

Him meeting other women (solo dating) for potential FWB for certain kinks he does not share with me/ frustrations etc. No emotional bonds.

We have had ongoing discussions and arguments. If there’s a spectrum, i would prefer monogamish, i do not want an open relationship. I have been the one who has been primarily more monogamous and been the one upset when he’s gone on dates. He has been doing a lot to reassure me and we talk through things a lot. I really appreciate that. All i knew for fact (based on what he told me) was that he met people for dates, nothing physical (that he has told me) so far. I had feeling in my head that he would have been physical with someone, but i was worried i was overthinking and did not want to act based on presumptions.

For me, my exploration has been limited to kissing a girl after a second date and being ghosted after.

Its been difficult with the topic of “does he tell me that he is going/has gone/will be going on a date”. I acknowledge the few times i have been aware, i had been upset and fights ensue so it was sort of decided that- i trust him, i won’t know too much, but he can let me know if he felt it was something he wanted to share and i wasn’t in a bad headspace at the time.

I am aware he’s been walking on eggshells for this.

we had a fight and i have now been told that he has already slept with two people last year, one before we technically discussed ENM arrangement and specifics and one just as we started (but when we were supposedly “dipping my toes”)

What surprises me is that he sometimes, in that period of time where we were dipping our toes in ENM, he had asked me/ almost asking permission about dates or going on coffee dates (not always but sometimes) but just took the opportunity to sleep with someone anyways?

We had a big fight as i felt hurt. He didnt do anything wrong per say if we already had an established agreement. I think it was more im shocked we were in different headspaces, i thought we were dipping our toes, but he had run the full mile already.

We both love each other, we both know breaking up is an option but we both do not want to do so. We do think we need help- going to see if we can get a therapist.

In my head im trying to figure out whats wrong with me. Why i am so…shocked…to think my partner slept with someone else while with me? We love each other so much, we tell each other we love each other daily, we make sure to be there for each other, we communicate a lot our fears, desires and wants for our lives, we’re supportive of each other’s lives and careers, we both want family and children and to be in a safe environment. He says he cannot see a life without me.

Right now my head is thinking: i’m afraid of how i would feel to know in 1 year’s time that he’s slept again with someone.

1 year ago, we were not in the best place in our relationship and fought frequently and we both fell into a depression. We’re much stronger now and much more in love.

I don’t know what to expect. I know why he wants an FWB, i respect it, i want to allow him to have rhat freedom and he does try, within limits to accommodate me (ie no dates if i had had a stressful week at work and he wants to be there support me)

As an ENM partner, right now he is amazing and trying everything he can to make sure i feel loved and supported.

Why can’t i separate his sexual desires he has with his FWB with his immense love for me? Just because he slept with someone doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me.

And i have grown up as a daughter of a constantly cheating father and a mother who never left and being the support and shoulder to cry on for my mom so i understand all that has a part to play in why my emotional reaction is so strong, eventhough rationally, i know he loves me and i know he’s trying, despite difficulty with me.

I have read some poly books and again, my brain understands, its my heart that keeps screaming in my face.

If anyone has any advice or have been in a similar position, i would appreciate it.

I don’t want to hurt the man i love. I am aware that leaving him might be the key to set him free but he doesn’t want that key and it crushes me to even hold that key in front of him. He won’t take it unless i give it directly and verbally, but i can’t say the words.

I cannot expect him to call me every time he goes on a date and it might get sexual. I cannot expect him to not go on a date and it be perfectly strictly no-sex, no- physical. I think, in my naivety, i did..