I (28f) have been in a relationship for 9 years. He is my first partner in life (both physical and emotional). I've always felt some form of frustration because I've never experienced anything else. I thought I could get past it, or find another mean to feed my desire. No matter how big my frustration, I have never cheated.

I started a PhD 3 years ago. And a year later, my boyfriend had to move away for work. We have been doing long distance for about 2 years now. It has been intense for me. Being alone and facing hardship with my carrier has taken a toll on my mental health. On the other side, I am glad I have become more independent. I feel I have re-centered my life on myself a lot. And I have started to question a lot of things: my ambitions, values, objectives, desire. Very recently I've realized I'm neurodivergent. I've always tried to fit in society, to be "normal". It is clear I am very far from normal. I wanna explore more of myself.

And so, the idea of non traditionnal love keeps going back to my mind. I love my partner dearly. I truly do. I want to spend my life with him. At the same time, I feel it's so stupid to keep myself from falling in love with other people. I truly feel I could explore my desire while loving my partner in a respectful way. I've tried to open the conversation with him about all of this. He is so afraid of all of this. He cannot grasp the concept. He can't think outside of a monogamous relationship. I don't blame him and I wish to respect this. Because I believed my relationship is much more important than this fantasy I am having. Because I am not sure I am only blinded by lust and desire. I don't want to risk everything on some impulse.

However, I've recently met a man by chance (lets call him X). He is much older (about 20years of age gap). Somehow, I could feel something clicked. I could feel his interest. I quickly learned he experienced polyamor, and was neurodivergent himself. I find him super interesting, and I want to keep connecting with him. I warned him I was in an exclusive relationship and wished to explore in a way that would respect the boundaries of my current relationship. I thought it would be fine. Turns out this was a bad idea. I quickly desired him sexually. I felt ashamed and guilty of this desire. So I told my boyfriend my feelings. It was a very hard conversation. I realize how much this is hurting him. I know I have to stop meeting/talking to X. I feel frustration from having to put an end to this. X was making me happy.

Now I realize I may have to chose between my relationship or my desire to explore. The choice is tearing me apart. I can't find the right answer. I am filled with fear of regretting making a bad choice.

I wonder if some people who explore ENM, have had to make a similar choice while being in a monogamous relationship. What convinced you of your decision? And if you are staying in a mogamous relationship, what kind of compromise have you found to aleviate frustrations and needs ?