Hi all. My partner (33M) and I (34F) have been in an open relationship since we started seeing each other 7 years ago. For the most part I just believe everyone should be free to love as they please while not myself really feeling capacity or desire beyond the occasional threesome (which usually includes him). I see this changing in the future when I have more space for this but right now I have a 2 year old and 5 month old and any free time I get I prefer to spend alone.

We have this pattern that we seem to be perpetually stuck in. It goes like this… he will feel a pressure to repress his “open side” of himself. He projects that repression onto me and blames me. This will make him cold and distant. He won’t be able to be physically or emotionally intimate during that time. Then we get over the hurdle and he admits he feels restricted and limited and frustrated. I encourage him to be open. Set up dates. Get on apps. Whatever he feels called to do. Then usually after a bit, he will say he wasn’t as interested in it in practice as he is in theory. Then he stops, months go by, and we are back in the repression/blame part of the cycle. The cycle makes what is already pretty challenging to navigate, especially with children, really really hard. With postpartum hormones, i am extra sensitive and easily triggered. I will get so so depressed and feel so alone. During the repression/blame part, I will feel like he doesn’t like or love me because in his subconscious I represent the reason he isn’t free.

Does anyone else experience a similar cycle? This particular time around the cycle, he admits he has this friend who is also poly and with her he feels safe to be his “full authentic self” and it feels so good to not have to hide that part of himself. They have been hanging out more these past few weeks. So I am wondering: How have you been able to show your partner you are a safe place for them to not need to repress those feelings of shame? It feels weird sometimes that I think this friend has more insight on what he wants than his primary partner. Is it wrong to feel that way?

Thanks in advance for sharing your experience or advice.