My husband and I were open for 4 years and are now closed for the foreseeable future. My struggles with jealousy and basically lack of feeling any compersion towards my partner having other partners torpedoed our path. We also made plenty of communication mistakes along the way and neglected the core relationship, which we both acknowledge and are trying really hard to work on.

I tried reading Ethical Slut, Opening Up, Sex at Dawn, Polysecure, More than Two; I listened to every single poly and nonmonogamy podcast I could find. But I still tried to set boundaries to keep us emotionally exclusive and “protect us” from falling in love with other people.

Well it didn’t work and love developed anyway between my husband and a partner. I had a mental breakdown basically and asked for us to close down again.

I’m working with an individual therapist and a couples counselor. I just don’t know how I can unlearn all the mononormative romance rules I was brought up to believe about love being for one person. I want so badly to absorb everything I’ve been hearing and reading but does it just come to a point where you can’t force yourself to be non monogamous when your jealousy and insecurities just overtake your brain?? If you aren’t secure enough to feel real compersion for your partner, is being non monogamous doomed or is this something you can really learn over time with enough effort?