So my relationship was a closed v. I was invited into it by my best friend and his girlfriend at the time. They had been doing open relationships and we got to know each other and bla blah blah we fell in love. I started off as a fwb and just gradually became an equal partner. All of us moved it together. It was great. Aside from the occasional thing all three of us would do we we basically were two independent relationships. I think I've always been a form of nm but its not something that ive had to deal with. Ive never had a problem with her being sexual at all with the other partner and have actively encouraged them to be together.

For a variety of reasons that are very good that I don't quite feel like getting into ahe wanted to expand it out to another partner.

I struggled with this at first and frankly I suspect I ended up costing her the relationship with this other person due to issues. She wanted a bdsm focused master slave relationship. I struggled with that bit at first and I didn't have a great reaction. I told her I wasn't comfortable with master slave being done outside of the main group and vetoed rules thats interfered with our lives.

Either way they end up breaking up. I don't have a great reaction because it was my first time having to truly confront my jealous. It was difficult for me. I was told by a friend of hers that I had nothing to do with it but it didn't stop what happened next.

So my girlfriend decided to pursue someone else and not tell me. She actually told the other partner in the relationship that she was gonna do it and not tell me. This lasted for I think six weeks before I found a picture of them together. Not gross. Just a selfie. But I knew basically since it started due to sex toys disappearing and bruises consistent with bdsm.

Like, I wasn't upset that she was sleeping with someone else. I was upset that she hid it from me. I had actually started to process a lot in th post breakup with the bdsm guy, but because it was hidden from me and I was lied to whenever I asked what was going on. It made me feel paranoid and like I was going crazy. I lashed out. We fought. I had a pretty severe metal breakdown. Had to go to a mental hospital for a few days.

A few days after I got out we were still fighting. We had what was just objectively the single worst fight we've ever had. I don't think it was a coincidence that I had also had a drink with someone as well. Oh thats another thing. I had suggested we try opening up poly which she reacted... poorly too. Not in that she said no, but more of a loudly screaming i don't care.

I've been away from her for 1 month to facilitate healing on emotional level. I think, because I went to a place where I didn't have to worry about money or time I've been able to focus and heal. She just started a new job and is having to do that heal and I think, i might be wrong with this, deal with the guy she was sleeping with mightve broken up with her. Add to it that just losing me and my job from the house puts a amazing stress on the both of them.

Like, I've kept contact to a minimum. I've tried to call her twice (times she's agreed too talk) and I've sent her one longish message detailing what my priorities are and how im feeling. I've kept my distance. Truthfully. I did ask one of her friends today how's she's doing and I was told thats she's having bad mental health problems and my heart just breaks. I want so badly to just go fix everything but the distance needs to happen to repair the relationship.

And all the work and therapy I've done has made it so I see the worth in myself and I don't need her to validate it for me by only being with me. I just wish I could help her see that she's loved but I just feel resentment and anger from her right now.

I regret so much my own selfishness and jealousies that caused this. I regret not going to therapy. I regret not loving myself so I can love her the way she needs.

Yeah. I'm not really asking for advice. I know what I need to do. Just keep working and keep fighting.