I’m really struggling… My partner (27, afabNB) and I (28F), have been together for just over two years, and moved in together in July. They’ve been very open with me from day one that they’re ENM, but their desires have changed over the past two years and they are feeling more poly now. They’ve never forced me into anything, I knew what I was getting into. I’ve always been monogamous in my relationships, although the concept of monogamy has never made much sense to me. And at this point, I don’t know that I could go into a fully monogamous relationship again. My partner met this girl through a friend earlier this summer, and they hit it off. They’re both into kink and poly dynamics, and they have a lot in common which I do not share with my partner. She and I share many similar physical features, and she is a successful working theatre actress, which is my life’s dream. Needless to say, I’ve been a little jealous. When they first met, I was not in a place where I could handle an open relationship. We were about to move in together, and my mental health was not in a great place. I needed to feel safe and secure in our relationship for it to be okay to pursue other dynamics, and my partner was understanding and patient. So, when things settled, I was okay with them seeing each other, and eventually having sex. I’ve still struggled with jealousy and feeling like I’m not enough, but those feelings are my own to deal with and confront so I’ve tried my best not to project that onto my partner and be supportive- although they know I’ve been struggling.

Two nights ago, I couldn’t sleep, and all of these negative feelings were stuck in my head. All I could think was “oh my god, they’re falling in love with her, I’m losing them.” Yesterday, when they got home from work, in a moment of poor judgement I asked if they were in love with her, and they said yes. They haven’t told her yet, but have been feeling this way for a little while, and they were planning on telling me soon. They affirmed that they are still in love with me, they’re just in love with her too. They still want our relationship, and a future with me, they still want me. But they’re in love with her too. My heart feels like it’s broken, and I don’t really know what to do. Our relationship is so, so solid otherwise. We are so caring and respecting of each other. They understand me like nobody else ever has. Our communication is amazing and my love for them runs so deep, but I’m really hurt. I haven’t stopped crying. Sex and casual dating are one thing, but being in love with someone is completely different, and not what we had talked about, or what I was comfortable with. I feel like I have been so willing to grow and change and meet my partner where they are with all of this, considering this is all brand new and foreign to me. In the past year I’ve come so far with ENM and I’m really proud, despite the missteps we’ve had. This just feels like a blindside, and a bit of a betrayal. And on top of everything else, she really feels like a completely idealized version of me. I know that’s just my insecurity talking but I don’t know how I’m not supposed to feel that way. I just feel like shit.

I’m not ready to walk away from this relationship, I trust that they love me. I just don’t know how to handle all of this. We’ve been through too much together, grown too much, and have been too good to each other to just throw it all away. I don’t know. I just needed to get all of this off my chest, I feel horrible. Thanks for reading.