we've known each other for 25y, been friend then lovers (non ethical) and now been living together for 15y.

lack of sex became an issue 10y ago we tried many things to fix it together without success to the point we agreed to try one sided ENM as a solution.

My wife chose one sided ENM over different options we discussed : hotwifing (to see if her libido would come back), both sided ENM, swinging and professionals as I continued to refuse castration...

I met a woman in a similar situation to mine but she's non ethical. it was 6 months ago and my wife vetted her Ok.

problem is that my wife is struggling with it as my ENM relationship only starts to settle (we only had sex 2 times because of vacations and many agenda issues) : here are what I know she dislikes :

she's unhappy that we have common interests and discussions by chat. she'd prefer we simply have sex. I try not to be seen messaging but I don't deny it when my wife asks if and when we texted.

before and after each encounter, my wife was upset and then distant after that for a couple of days. (before it got better)

recently we managed to adjust our agendas with my ENM partner and will be able to meet every week which match the frequency I proposed when we discussed ENM with my wife initially... but again my wife was really upset about it and talked about divorce or me leaving her for my partner...

Another thing, I got a vasectomy and a HPV vaccine to drop condoms and even if my ENM partner is fully tested we can't completely be sure her husband is not cheating too - and I can't prove there is no one else but me and that they don't have sex anymore too ... my wife considers it a motive for not trying to have sex again (though penetrative sex was once or twice a year previously)

Deep down I know my wife also wants it to work and she's not mad against me, but I feel like her defense mechanism is to try to detach herself from me... and I fear it is dangerous for us.

I try to be very reassuring and loving to my wife. My ENM partner would like to be supportive too but how could she?

until now my wife hasn't been in a bad mood for more than 2 or 3 days every time something upsetted her... and hopefully things will settle now... (of course if that's every week she's upset for 3 days we'll have a terrible problem)

so I'm wondering what could help her...

there is no one but me my wife can talk with about our situation and she's not on reddit. Should I tell her to find someone? write here or somewhere else ? books? blogs? podcast?

I guess her communicating with my ENM partner (is not a good idea... but not 100% sure about it ?

she'll know when we meet, would it be better if she doesn't know or does not know for sure? (I guess not)

I tried suggesting again that she also finds someone maybe just to talk first but she is not ready.

thanks for any feedback.