I’ve been in a BDSM-adjacent relationship with a guy for a number of years now (5-6). Due to proximity and schedules we only get together a few times a year but we message all the time, have become genuinely friends, and have grown a solid online social circle of mutual friends as well. We also both can and regularly do play with other partners

He is in a very long term ENM relationship. They only play separately and have essentially a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy around other partners. They have a few other rules around their openness that I’m well aware of.

What I don’t know is if they have rules around emotional connections outside their primary relationship. Or if its even come up with either of them to this point.

Over the years I’ve developed an emotional intimacy with him. His presence is very comforting to me and he’s been very helpful in talking through anxieties of mine that crop up now and again around our play. I feel comfortable being vulnerable with him which is not something that necessarily comes easily to me. He’s also mentioned that I am an important person in his life.

This week I’ve been thinking a lot about how I feel towards him. And the word “love” keeps coming up. I’m working through what emotions that actually entail for me. (The last few years I’ve considered myself on the aromantic spectrum). Currently thinking its just the best way of capturing the bigness of how I feel towards him.

I don’t think its romantic love that I feel. Not how I understand it at least. And I’m not looking for exclusivity, for either of us. But part of me fears these feelings for him growing stronger and finding myself desiring that some day.

Next week I’ll have an opportunity to talk with him on a video call (and we’ve talked about him maybe coming to visit me over labor day weekend). I want to talk to him about how I feel. And how he feels about me as well. And what if/anything I need to adjust in our current relationship. Trying not to panic and jump into that discussion before I’m mentally and emotionally ready though.

I’m looking for advice on how to structure that conversation. And what sorts of things should I try and have my own answers to before going in?