My wife J (29F) and I (28F) have been together for 7 years, married for 3.5 years. Last summer, we decided to open our relationship and invited someone else into a throuple situation. I was hesitant about polyamory, but J reassured me that we could take things slow and that she loved and respected me no matter what.

This relationship lasted 6 months but put a significant strain on our marriage. Our partner gravitated toward J sexually, which triggered a lot of insecurity for me. After that relationship ended, we took a break from polyamory to focus on rebuilding our marriage. J then expressed that she didn’t think she would want to date someone together again, but the idea of dating separately made me very uneasy.

In May of this year, we met D (30F), and both J and I felt a strong connection with her. However, J and D developed a physical connection first, just kissing, which made me uncomfortable, especially since D was dismissive towards me that night. I expressed my feelings to J, who asked me to give D another chance, attributing her behavior to being drunk.

Three weeks later, we saw D again at an event, and that night, the three of us ended up kissing, with D spending the night at our house. Nothing sexual happened, but we spent the night talking and building what seemed like a nice connection. Over the next few weeks, we saw D more frequently, staying up all night talking and occasionally teasing each other, though we hadn’t been fully intimate.

The first time we went on an official date, J and D had an intimate moment in the bathroom, breaking a boundary we had previously set that no one would be sexual independently when we were all out together. I wasn’t told about this until the next day when I saw a text on our shared iPad that said, “I miss being inside you,” followed by several other messages like, “I only want this with you,” “I don’t want to share you,” and “Let’s run away together.”

These messages made me feel awful. When I confronted both J and D, they both apologized—J said it didn’t mean anything, and D said she was very drunk and didn’t mean what she said. Despite feeling hurt, I agreed to continue seeing D, and we scheduled individual dates with her since she wanted 1:1 time with each of us.

On my date with D, we kissed a lot and fooled around a little, which was okay since J wasn’t present. D reassured me that she was happy we spent time together and that our connection was growing. The next night, J and D went on their date, and they also had a good time. After that, the three of us started spending more time together and had a lot of fun. About three weeks into this, we were intimate together for the first time.

The day after our first intimate experience, D told me she wasn’t feeling our individual connection as much and wanted to pursue things only with J individually, while continuing to see the three of us together casually when it felt right. This made me uncomfortable, as I wasn’t ready to date separately, and I felt sad and rejected because I thought our connection was growing, and I had opened myself up to her sexually.

I asked J if we could pause and figure out how to move forward. However, J said she didn’t want to stop her connection with D because it was strong, and she really liked her. At this point, J and I were having a hard time—arguing a lot, I didn’t feel like a priority to her, and our individual intimacy felt disconnected. Most of the time, she didn’t even try to pleasure me.

Now, J and D are completely infatuated with each other. After just two months, they’re already saying they love each other and are progressing quickly in every aspect of their relationship. When we first met D, she mentioned that she wasn’t poly but was okay with our dynamic because she chose to enter it. However, it’s become more of an issue because J and D are now acting very monogamous, and D is quite possessive. She’s also into kink play and leaves marks and bruises on J, which makes me uncomfortable.

J and D have set many rules with each other, like not kissing other people (except for me) and getting upset if they catch each other flirting with someone else. This is a big change for J and me, as we’ve always been open and trusting, even kissing our friends. Their dynamic has affected our friendships too.

D says she views me as one of her best friends and still wants to spend time with me. We do spend time together, but it’s become increasingly difficult because J and D are all over each other, even when I’m around. D will intensely wrap her arms around J and make out with her right in front of me, which is really hard to watch.

Last weekend was a breaking point. A large group of our friends went to an event an hour away, and we all got an Airbnb together. J and I had our own room, and D was sharing a room with her roommate. I felt uneasy about the trip but went anyway. Before we left, I reiterated our boundaries to J: no going off in rooms together or behind closed doors, and I asked her to join me when it was time to go to bed. She agreed to both.

Once everyone started drinking, it felt like the boundaries went out the window. At one point, J and D disappeared for over 20 minutes, and I found them in the hallway. I asked J not to do that again because it made me feel terrible. Later, I knew I’d need to go to sleep earlier since I was driving back in the morning. I pushed myself until 6 a.m. and mentioned I needed to sleep soon, but by 6:30, J was still up, even cracking open another drink. At 7 a.m., I was frustrated and asked J to come to bed like we agreed. She got very upset and said she wasn’t ready to sleep and wanted to stay up with D. The tension in the room made me very uncomfortable, and I started crying because I thought we had clear boundaries.

J eventually came to bed but immediately turned away and wouldn’t speak to me. In the morning, I asked if she had anything to say, but she told me she didn’t think she had anything to apologize for because I “made” her go to bed. After weeks of feeling insecure and not being a priority, I snapped and told J I was done. I packed a bag and went to visit my sister across the country for a week. During that week, J and I barely spoke, and she spent at least four nights with D.

I’m flying home now, expecting to land tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. I told J my arrival time, and she said, “Okay, I’ll see you to talk tomorrow, but I won’t be home when you get there.” She’s spending the night at D’s house again.

I don’t know what to do at this point. I’m new to polyamory, but this seems like blatant disrespect. Any advice or input would be helpful.