I'm male and, as far as I know, I'm in a closed v relationship with my girlfriend. The other partner is a male.

Other partner doesn't have jealousy issues and its actually part of his fetish. She does and so do I. It was pretty bad and its dominated the reactions hip up untill this point. Our rule was that we didn't talk about other partners and frankly the jealousy just got to the point where we fell into that closed v. At first I was secondary but we were all equals about two to three years ago.

We did open that up due to traumatic incident. She needed bdsm/tpe as part of her recovery. I had issues with the tpe part directly interfering with our lives together and as a result I basically stopped that from going forward because of my jealousy. Thats on me there. We did try with me being the dom beforehand but I just had so much going on in my head between work and trying to give her what she needed that I just couldn't do it most nights. I thought it was over much sooner that it was but I ended up seeing them together, to be fair saying goodbye non sexually, and that was a huge violation.

However, I feel like as a result of this, that she is now keeping secrets from me and not wanting lines of communication open. I've been asking whats been going on for literally months now. Everytime I get basically screamed at for during to want to have a conversation. I get told I need therapy ( to be fair I do and I'm currently in the process of getting a therapists. I do talk to consulers over the phone fairly frequently.). It feels like she is avoiding me on every level and throws obstscle after obstacle in my way and frankly gaslights me into being quiet.

Of course the consoulers all tell me that I need to have this talk with her first so its a catch 22.

The conversation I've been wanting to have involves our future together. Opening it up ethically for all three of us (so she doesn't have the entirey of two full time live in boyfriends on her). How to handle our jealousy issues and basically everything. I want to talk about the things we've been avoiding for months and even years at this point. I think she wants me to be like the other partner and just be okay with whatever she does.

I suspect she's slept with other people, but I have no proof and she hasn't confirmed it. I have not and will not invad her privacy.

I feel fucking awful about it but yeah this is definitely giving me massive depression. We've also had massive financial issues lately, due in part to me losing my job, but we were already struggling well before that.

Am I wrong for thinking that this isn't ethical non monogamy? Am I wrong for wanting communication? If she has slept with other people while I'm asking for communication would I be wrong for considering that cheating?

Honestly any advice is appreciated.