(Cross posted in poly/enm subreddit too)

I’ve found myself in a difficult situation where I think I know the answer but I want some advice from like minded folks.

My (44f) secondary partner (34f) and I “date” but we see eachother and sleep with each other at least twice a week. She was married but recently is trialing a separation from her primary partner. I am still with my primary partner. She doesn’t want labels on our relationship and I’ve been good with that. A bit of relationship ararchy , totally cool. This is my first ENM relationship but I’ve dated a few others casually to see what’s out there.

We both care for eachother deeply, talk every day and know everything about eachothers lives. It’s been generally very mature, and an honest relationship. Infact, she was in this lifestyle much longer than me and talked about the importance of communication and openess. It has always been talked about that we remain open to new connections and we would talk about it if it happens.

When I first met her last summer, they told me about their previous secondary relationship and how it lead to deep, emotional heartbreak and that partner abandoned them, slept with multiple people without transparency etc etc That partner took off to Australia essentially without telling her and left her high and dry. Highly toxic. So I knew going in this person has been hurt badly but was clearly in a space to try and move on. There has been on and off conversation about this person and how “awful” they were and I feel as though I’ve been very open and transparent about how I’m not the way that person was with actions, words etc.

Fast forward to now. Their ex- secondary partner has returned to the city. The ex has a partner moving to the city within the month from Australia. It went from essentially “I hate them!”, to “I saw them briefly at their storage unit by my work”. To, “we’re going to see eachother to try and talk about what happened.” To “ we’re just trying to be friends” to “we kissed and were likely going to be physical at some point ”. To the point they’re seeing this person weekly, went out to a bar with them last night and were physical there and are discussing wether they’re going to sleep together. This information wasn’t offered up freely. It felt like they made a confession when telling me.

I realize we are in this open lifestyle but my hang ups are these and please tell me if I’m being silly about them.

I want to hear it all:

1. From the beginning, it’s been clear her going in deeper with me has been affected by this previous connection and this previous connection affected her marriage negatively. I get it, heartbreak is awful. But now this connection has resurfaced and feels like that looming cloud has gotten bigger.

2. She has said they don’t want to feel obligated to tell me about seeing her ex but have been doing so out of the goodness of their heart. All I have asked was to know if/when they start sleeping together in order to make informed decisions on my own sexual health. I also said I was concerned about any toxicity this could bring up in their life. (Up to this time we are only sleeping with eachother and our primary’s )

3. She told me their physical connection likely has an expiration date. When I asked if that was because the partner from Australia was coming they said “yes”. I asked if that meant the austrailian partner was not aware of the connection these two have rekindled, she said she didn’t ask but knowing this person( the ex) - likely not and that ignorance is bliss. Which I felt totally goes against polyamoury and enm.

4. I said that didn’t sit well with me because it isn’t ethical and she told me she is not in charge of policing her ex’s relationship. I asked why it sat well with her and she said she isn’t really in the headspace to make the best decisions right now and they feel judged by me for asking that.

The problem I have here is that this toxic past relationship has resurfaced. It’s not a new connection that they’re building on - which is something I’d entirely be happy to see.

Am I wrong for feeling put off by this and how it feels kinda shady and it’s my time to walk away?