Struggling

Hi, using this for a bit of advice. I’m the wife (c) the husband is (g). Husband (41) and wife (36) been together over 12 years. Started as monogamous but after conversations we went and opened up. Over the years we opened and closed C has had more attention and connections than say G over the years and thus mainly spans from a larger pool of men vs women.

Last year C was encouraged to explore some other connections with full backing and support. One of those connections in September 2023 lead her to being sexually assaulted during one of these connections whilst being vunerable under the influence. Consent was taken away.

This has in turn taken away a lot of her self identity, trauma, sex drive and produced more anxiety which has also projected on the relationship, the backyard is dry.

C had automatically presumed during this period the relationship would be shut whilst healing takes place and self confidence dignity and esteem are built back up.

G has been making tiny bit of progress talking to women online and makes a connection with a ENM woman. G brings up the connection and states he wants to go and meet up.

C is quite anxious and isn’t ready for the dynamics to change whilst she is trying to find a reconnection with herself and husband.

G has explained he hasn’t felt desired for some time or a wanted and is enjoying the chase from this other woman. It’s automatically put C in a position of fight or flight.

C has verbalised this and stated she can’t accept what’s happening but doesn’t want to hold back his happiness. C has explained numerous times that our own backyard needs to be tidy first before we venture out to prune others.

C eventually agreed on letting G go out and meet up after feeling a bit of anxiety and worrying if I don’t agree he will leave. I set the boundaries on the spot, no sex or going back to her place etc ( he did go back to her place after offering her a ride home but failed to mention that to me until I confronted)

G went on a date, through the whole time there was no communication between us. I was torn, anxiety took over I thought the worst things and when he came home we blew up over no communication or feeling of being secure and I ended up self harming that night. His response was that I need to get help for my anxiety.

I understand I need help for my own mental health but why is G not listening to C about this not being the right time.

He’s said before C you can’t have your cake and eat it too, in turn I want to reply I didn’t plan on being ra*ed either.

G has said he’s going to be meeting up with this girl again for “fun times” which I’m having a really really difficult time navigating, to the point it’s effected me going to work and feeling very volatile in myself. I’ve organised therapy to also work through this.

ENM is suppost to be ethically non monogamous I understand this and do support this When I’m in the right frame of mind but without being the bad guy because G hasn’t had a connection like I have in the past, what’s the appropriate way to address this.

Right now, is this ethical? I don’t think so? I’m crying out for help saying I don’t want this for us, I want it for you but I don’t want it for us right now, mentally I cannot deal. I have verbalised this to him even in a moment of manic when the situation makes me want to get in my car and drive it into a tree because I feel I don’t have an out with this.

I feel I’ve been pressured into accepting a situation I’m not happy with and G continues to state it’s my mental health and anxiety making it more than it is. It’s been shown to me even the state of my mental health right now is not stopping him from pursuing.

How/what do I do? What can I say to not break us but say hey, we aren’t 100% why are you going elsewhere right now? This isn’t a catch up game.