Hello. Let’s start this off with saying I am AuDHD, 28M-heterosexual, and married to a 30F-pansexual. We have been together for 8 years, married for 3.

Yesterday we had an intimate moment divulging some embarrassing desires. She then brings up that maybe she’d like a girlfriend. I’ve been suspecting this would eventually come up as about 2 and a half years ago, she realized after having a dream of me being with other women, that she didn’t have much feelings of jealousy. “Okay. Cool, let’s talk about this more and see what’s up,” I replied. I made it clear that I wasn’t diving into that topic for selfish reasons, but it was really an interesting discussion for the next few days that I found entertaining to talk about. We came to the conclusion that she didn’t want another partner, but wouldn’t be bothered if I had one either. I never sought this out, because to me it didn’t seem fair to have it be so one-sided.

Skip some large amount of time and it got brought up once more. Well, that time we attempted to do something about it. Started by hopping on a few dating sites and gave it like 2 weeks all together (naturally, not enforced time limit). My wife is very hot, like an absolute goddess of beauty, not really hard to appreciate her appearance. But as you can imagine, she managed to match with many more people (guys) than I could have. On my side, crickets. I truly had the toughest time matching with anyone firstly, and secondly, I am must have not been interesting to talk to because those I did match with just started ghosting me. My self-esteem took a massive hit, but I gathered myself, looked at my ring and decided that my wife was the only person’s opinion I truly needed. Brought it up to her, and we decided to quit.

Skip another large time, brings us to today. She brought up that she wanted a girlfriend last night. I am emotionally mature enough to know my weak points and insecurities, but of course like you typically see in these situations, I mentioned that I don’t know how comfortable I would be with other guys. There’s a lot of reasons I could name for my insecurities, but I’ll summarize it by saying that my reasons come from bad experiences and people. I have a very hard time being able to accept other guys into my own life, let alone my wife’s. Regardless, I speak up and make it known that I’m not comfortable with other men in the situation, that it is because of insecurities and negative feelings, and that this is a new side of the topic she’s coming to and that she should sit on it for a bit longer and discover why she wants this new dynamic and where that puts our relationship in her life.

To be honest, I think I handled the situation as best as I can. And as fun as a night on the town seems for myself and have a night of fun and adventure, I’m not sure if I desire to go and have my self-esteem destroyed once again in any dating capacity. I am more than happy with staying dedicated to my wife.

I am trying my best, as her husband, to make her feel accommodated for and cared for while keeping my own boundaries and limitations in mind.

Anyone got any detailed advice, things I should read or what have you?