background context: My (F30) husband (M30) and I are newly actively poly, though this is a conversation we have been having for 2 years and considered ourselves theoretically poly, and this is known amongst our friends and community. We moved away about three years ago and are soon returning to the original area for our jobs. The husband and I agreed once we get settled in the area he will begin his active online dating and I will be open to connections (I prefer to meet people organically). So an ex of almost 7 years and I recently reconnected as friends only, and after apologies and discussions over what went wrong, we have been texting rather regularly in neutral and platonic ways. Sometimes he would flirt, and I would flirt back, but nothing serious - he made a move around Christmas to meet up romantically, but I ended up declining. Something just didn’t feel right.

This past week he and I were casually texting about art, life, etc. he suddenly dropped in the conversation that he was now in a long-distance relationship with a poly person. He liked them a lot but was having a hard time with them not really communicating unless they were visiting him in town, and were doubting their affection for him. I reassured him that text wasn’t always the best and to ask for some time to talk and connect while visiting, and that I’m sure things were fine!

The issue: few days of silence later he reached out to thank me for my advice, things went great, and that he loved me (the “as a friend for my emotional skill” was strongly implied, even if not said) I thanked him for the compliment. Then he said “things were so great that my partner confided in me that she/they were having a hard time remaining non-heirarchal in comparison to everyone else because I am so loving and amazing as a person” with a smiley face.

I instantly got this very uneasy feeling and did not respond. In truth, my husband has mentioned that he thinks this ex will make another move as soon as I am back in the area (he is ok with this) and sometimes I do wonder if that could be a successful possibility because of the inner work I has assumed we both had done. However that comment struck me as someone who actually hasn’t done any of the inner work needed for poly, and was instead operating out of a place of competition and receiving validation from putting down others. All I could think about was the other metas involved in the situation who had no idea how they were being spoken about, and how hurt I would be in that situation. The whole interaction left such a bad taste in my mouth and changed how I saw him.

So, more experienced poly people - am I overreacting? Is this a giant waving red flag that I should put no more romantic thoughts into this connection? Would it be out of place to gently call him out on this?