I already posted about this yesterday. check my post history for the full post, but here‘s a brief summary:

hinge is my partner of close to 7 years, he‘s been with meta for roughly 6-9 months. we practice(d) ktp. lately he has overstepped some boundaries of mine that lead to me feeling hurt and growing resentment towards meta, even though she didn‘t do anything wrong. I was considering having a conversation about needs and boundaries, but I have some serious trust issues around being this kind of vulnerable and meta isn‘t safe in this regard (hasn‘t earned enough trust and has - according to hinge - a very different communication style to him and me and often interprets nonexistent subtext into things).

well, yesterday, when I was home from work I thought everything through thoroughly. I basically wrote everything off my chest and came to the conclusion that I need to distance myself from meta. she isn‘t welcome in our home while I‘m there (I don‘t mind her coming over when I‘m gone anyway but she needs to leave before I return). I don‘t want to talk about her, except the necessary minimum like hinge telling me he‘s spending the night at her place. and finally, I need hinge to communicate to her that and why this is. I‘ll leave the how to him. he has my consent to share as many or few details as he wants and deems necessary, but I want him to make sure that none of it is her fault. she didn‘t do anything wrong. how could she if she wasn‘t even aware that hinge crossed these boundaries.

I wrote him a note/letter and left it on his desk for him to read when he comes home today. I‘ll be at a friend‘s this evening and come home some time tonight. I don‘t know wether I‘ll have the capacity to talk about everything tonight, but I promised that we‘d do so no later than tomorrow after work.

I‘m a bit scared of his reaction. he for sure won‘t like that I‘m not going to allow meta to come over while I‘m home for the forseeable future. I‘m sure that I will some time, once I‘ve processed everything, healed from the pain it‘s caused me and hinge has re-earned my trust in this regard, but for now it‘s a hard no.

if he doesn‘t want to break up (I‘m pretty sure he doesn‘t), he has no choice but to accept this stuff.

I‘ve struggled a lot enforcing boundaries throughout my life, with my family, friends, past partners and him. usually I only could once they‘ve been overstepped so many times that it caused serious hurt. this time is similar. but I feel good about finally doing it. I finally feel strong after all the things that went bad in the past four months (many of them unrelated to hinge‘s and meta‘s relationship - it‘s been a rough time but it‘s getting better). I‘m not going to make compromise on any of them.

I really hope to rekindle my friendship with meta. she‘s such a lovely, kind and clever person and doesn‘t deserve my resentment towards her. not when hinge is the one who kept overstepping my boundaries and she just got caught in the emotional crossfire. besides, we‘re going to attend the same week-long music festival in 4 months (we‘ve had tickets since last summer) and I don‘t want to be the reason she can‘t join our established group. I just need to think of what conditions I need hinge to follow in order for this to work for me.

but that‘s future-me‘s problem. first I need to focus on processing everything and healing, both myself and my trust to the love of my life.