Hi Everyone,

I am a secondary and I have recently found myself in a situation that I would appreciate some guidance on. I'll provide a brief background, and explain the situation i'm in, and hopefully an approach to handling this situation can be found.

I (32M) am Michael, and I have been seeing Sophie (35F) for the last 5-months; Sophie has been in a relationship with David for 10-years and the last 2-3 years their relationship has been open (this was specifically Sophie's request, and David agreed after multiple conversations) which may be leaning towards polyamory? (she didn't label anything, and I don't completely know where this falls to be honest). Prior to seeing Sophie, I was in a 10-year monogamous relationship. It is important to note that David also has a son (16-years old) who Sophie has helped raise for the last 6-years and has a close bond with.

Before Sophie and I began seeing each other I learnt about ENM and had to consider what I wanted/needed, as well as the boundaries we should be implementing to ensure I wasn't taking time away from David and his son. We were both honest and upfront about everything; I really enjoyed Sophie's company, and wanted to do activities together, I was happy around her and wanted that feeling to continue. Sophie had similar feelings, she was also getting the emotional connection that was missing from her relationship with David (he was never emotionally available and this was the one of the reasons for opening up the relationship). To be clear, Sophie told David about me immediately and David didn't want to know anything about me, when we were spending time together, or what we were doing. This effectively made us feel like we were sneaking around which both of us didn't like, but David would become insecure and simply didn't want to know.

Fast forward to the present.

I had learnt that Sophie doesn't feel close to David; emotionally, physically, or sexually. David isn't not great at communicating his emotions and feelings, or being aware of how his actions may impact Sophie; this means Sophie has to address these issues which occasionally are dismissed, or if David does adjust his behavior it doesn't last long. This has been an ongoing issue for the entirety of their relationship, but only recently has Sophie's needs changed (hence the opening of the relationship). Over the five months, Sophie has tried to bond and reconnect with David; going on holiday for a couple weeks (which they hardly re-connected), suggesting activities to do together, weekend trips, etc. - I have tried to encourage this as well, as I didn't want to come between them.

Sophie and I are very close; she feels that she can be her self around me, particularly the weird and quirky side, she feels that those parts of her are accepted by me but have never been accepted by David. Emotionally we have a strong connection and she likes that we communicate openly and honestly. She likes that when we connect it's not just physically or sexually; although these are also strong connections too. We have considered this could be NRE, and it's still a possibility, but neither of us feel like anything has changed between us; things have only become stronger. She knows that I'm completely independent, and that she doesn't need to look after my emotions.

Anyways, moving forward. Sophie has since talked multiple times with David about trying to reconnect, trying to help him understand her needs, but hardly anything changes. Recently Sophie has found that David has been interrogating her about where she would go or what she's doing, which has understandably been upsetting her. This all lead to the most recent discussion between Sophie and David which is where I need some help.

Essentially what has happened is this. David agreed to go ENM because he was afraid of losing Sophie; he has made it clear (as of today) that he wants to be monogamous and wants to close the relationship. Keeping in mind that Sophie wanted the open relationship; she now feels David has moved the goal posts and feels like she has essentially been cheating on him because David never wanted to be in an ENM relationship. Sophie doesn't want things between us to end (she is really happy where we are and wants to keep seeing where things go), but now feels like her options are as follows:

1- She agrees to be monogamous; we end our relationship but remain platonic friends and she remains with David. She feels her needs won't be met, but this would give their relationship a chance perhaps.

2- She keeps seeing me behind David's back. But this would be cheating, and would make her feel like crap.

3- She ends things between her and David, consequently hurting his son, and then has no where to stay as she would struggle financially with moving out by herself (rent is very expensive here). She knows she can stay with me while she decides what to do, it's something i'd offer to any friend.

Are there any alternative options that Sophie has in this situation?

Personally, I can't accept option 2 even thought I think she was just saying it out loud (she doesn't want to hurt him or his son, but also doesn't want things to end between us). David is entitled to request they go monogamous, it's Sophie's decision if that is something she wants, and I'll respect whatever decision is made. But, in doing so, I feel like this will come across as a "It's either him or me" which I don't want it to come across as. So what can I say that acknowledges what she wants (which appears to be to continuing to seeing me) but isn't coming across as an ultimatum? or is this effectively an ultimatum that she is getting not just from David but me as well?

Sorry for the text. I tired to keep this brief, but it didn't seem to work.

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