So I am questioning if ENM is for me at all and the living situation is by far the area that gives me the most hesitation.

Currently my partners other partner is studying abroad, and were together for a year before i met my partner. We havent been together long and we are on a break as I figure this out because my partner is very certain they are ENM and I'm not certain anymore.

My main issue is I don't want to feel secondary or lower in the relationship, and I went in thinking and being assured it wont be hierarchical. But when my meta I've never met returns from abroad, they want to live with my partner in a house with some others. My partner says they'd want to live with them too, and I'm not totally sure where I would come in. They've said they see a future with us both vaguely.

I definitely don't think I'd be cool living with the meta and my partner together. It's not a throuple situation at all, and I wouldn't want to see them being close and intimate together, be in another room while they had sex, who shares a bed with who. But if I lived alone and just visited, I'd feel like such a third wheel. It would create an inherent imbalance---they're coexisting in a house, living a domestic life , sharing a lot more of their time and intimacy, meanwhile I partake in none of that and just visit like a side thing or friend? And I couldn't even be that close when I visit because the meta would be around in the same house. None of our lives would be separate like they're supposed to be. We'll, my meta would have a separate at home life with my partner all the time when I'm not visiting...but I'd only have that if my partner visited me, which I can't see happening too often.

Does this proposition of theirs sound fair? They said this relationship is non hierarchy but how is this not one? (Not to mention that my existence is a secret to their family, meanwhile meta visits their family for holidays). Would truly ENM /poly people just be cool accepting being left out of a major part of a relationship like this while the other person experiences that? Or do you have a workaround or inner work to do?

Even if my partner made a choice to spend more time with me in exchange...it still feels weird and imbalanced and I'd feel way too insecure and like I'm intruding on someone else's relationship. I only see this working at all if my partner does NOT live with either of us...something maybe not fair to ask of them to do. Or is that a reasonable ask and compromise? And do I even want that indefinitely? Or if I met someone else I loved and wanted to live with so i get that life too and care less, but at that point, why even stay with the first one?

Thoughts on any of this? How do hinge meta meta living situations typically even work? What are options? Would ENM/poly people be okay with a situation like the proposed one?