Hi all!

I (29f) am currently in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend (37m), but I’ve known for years now that my true relationship orientation is non-monogamous, or even anarchist. I’ve brought it up to partners in the past, and they rejected the idea. I’ve practiced suppressing this side of me, believing that it is actually selfish, non-committal, and a scapegoat. I don’t believe that anymore.

My current partner is wonderful. We’ve been together for a little over a year, and he just moved in. He’s kind and generous and puts in effort and is a part of my daily life. He has accepted me and my son, and although I don’t always feel understood by him, I never feel judged by him. However, we lack intimacy in every way. Spiritually, physically, emotionally. I am a highly emotional person, and I value this within myself. It has been hard being my true self with him, because he is not super emotional and values his “middle, even mood.” Because of this, I feel disconnected from him. We also have different interests which adds distance. He also reminds me a lot of my dad, which is hard to shake and is bringing up childhood triggers (both good and bad.)

He has expressed to me before that I have too many needs, that he can’t meet them all and he is constantly feeling “not enough.” I have spent months working up the courage to talk to him about opening up so that I can get my needs met and he can have some pressure relieved.

When I finally brought it up, it was at the tail end of a HUGE argument where we were deciding whether we should break up or stay together. An argument where we were questioning our compatibility. I presented opening up as a third option, and he liked the idea.

I know every enm advisor and book out there says you can’t open a relationship to save it, but what if your relationship just isn’t in the right style? What if we were never supposed to be monogamous, and that’s the source of our tension?

I am having trouble differentiating my discontent with the relationship, versus my discontent with the relationship style.