My boyfriend (M39) and I (M37) are in an open relationship.He has a very high sexual drive and he has lots of success having hook ups.

His Grindr is overflowing with notifications, I on the other hand am not as lucky.
I’m guessing my low chances are a mixture of being asian, overweight and pushing 40. I’m just not a cute asian twink and I'm not easy on the eyes.

We live in central europe and it is a very well known fact that asians aren’t as coveted in the country we are living.

Grindr is just an app for rejection for me and because I’m only getting rejected I rarely use it.
We even tried a bathhouse together, but being rejected in person cuts so much deeper.

That also might be the reason why I’m becoming very jaded about sex.
I’m still horny, but I mostly masturbate. My sex drive is also tanking, interest in having sex with men other than my boyfriend is getting lower, while my insecurities are slowly creeping up.

My boyfriend and I do have sex and we love each other to death, but he craves variety. If there is a hookup available, his focus is solely on the other guy.

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A couple of weeks ago I was getting horny and I tried to flirt with him, making my moves and I asked him, to which he only replied:

“Oh, but a FWB already wants to have sex, I think I’m gonna go to him.”

He never rejected me as openly like this before.
Yes, there were times where I asked him if he wanted to go for drinks or food and he shot that down for being too tired, but the second a boy wanted to hook up, he was invigorated and out and about to go to the date.
I got used to that and went on my own, but he never turned me down for me wanting sex before.

I was so shocked and numb that I was only able to utter: ”Oh, ok…” and I turned instantly away from him.
He asked if I’m ok, to which I replied: ”Yeah, sure. You just go to your date...”
But I just felt this emptiness in me spreading.

While he was showering I started to feel hollow and empty, which was soon replaced by anger, frustration and anxiety.
I started getting very agitated, but I wasn’t ready to confront him yet, I was still too confused and hurt, so I made a plan to go to the gym to use my agitation for something good.

When I came back from the gym the apartment felt so empty and I was alone with my thoughts.
He was still on the date and the shock and numbness I was feeling, were slowly changing into rage and anger.

This was the moment where I WANTED to give him a petty revenge.
I made a playlist with songs about cheating and just blasted the songs on a high volume, while I started grooming in the bathroom.
He couldn’t enter the bathroom, but he just heard the songs through the door, while I was there for almost 3 hours.
He came back from his date to the messy theater I was playing, and I ignored him the whole day.

I was very cold and I tried to make him feel like shit and as abandoned as I felt.
I was drinking poison, in hopes that he might feel my pain.
In hindsight it was not my proudest moment.

I’m so ashamed right now reading this back, but I just didn’t know how to work through my emotions back then. In the back of my head I'm thinking:

“If I would’ve just said something, before he went to the other guy, maybe I wouldn’t have reacted as petty as I did. I wish I was mature enough to open my mouth.”

It came to a big fallout and the gist of it is, that he closed the relationship, because I’m too emotionally immature for it.

I wanted to work on my emotional regulation, I started seeing a therapist, specialising on DBT and I started reading “Polywise” and “Polysecure”, because I really want to give him space to hook up with others.
Those insecurities are my problem, and I don't want to burden him.

With the help of DBT and the books I’m pushing myself very hard to talk about my emotions (which is almost impossible for me) and I try to give myself the security I need.
I really want to work on myself to not be as emotionally immature.

Weirdly: He doesn’t want hear about my emotions.

Everytime I try to talk with him about the rejection or how certain things in an open relationship make me feel something, but he just shuts me down.

I’m gobsmacked, because I’m really trying to work on it, but his only answer is:

“You don’t have to worry about anything anymore, I’m won’t hook up with anyone, while you have any negative feelings about an open relationship.”

I tried to tell him that the most important thing for me is, that I’m able to talk with him, if I feel some type of way and that he hears me and understands me, but he is still telling me that, if I have ANY negative feelings or insecurities coming up, then that is automatically a no to an open relationship.

I want to give him this, even if I won’t ever have any hook ups with others.
Having sex is really important for him, he even said that it is his biggest hobby.

But how should I be able to be in an open relationship, if he doesn’t give me room to talk about my feelings?

Can someone give me their point of view about my situation? AITA?

I feel like I’m doing everything wrong :(

Edit: Lots of typos, sorry English isn't my first language :(

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