Rather than reinvent the wheel from scratch, I hope that some of you has an old hub, a few spokes, and maybe an iron tire.

My wife has agreed that despite misgivings I have to find out about this part of me.

I want to make this both transparent and to hurt her as little as possible.

Background

I was ace until age 45. Result of childhood abuse.

Married, meh sexlife for a few years until wife entered menopause. She has no interest in sex, and finds it painful now.

Dead bedroom for the last 15 years.

Trauma therapy is helping me discard toxic shame. I've finally admitted to myself that I'm gay. A lot of my psychological development stalled as a teen. It's picking up. Including all the angst about roles, and identity. I recognize that I'm gay. I'm learning how to be a human and not vulcan.

This is my first kick at the cat. I think that having stuff defined can reduce a lot acrimony later. Rules are meant to be modified.

Rules:

Part I: Don't rub her nose in it. 1. I tell her when and where, but not details. E.g. "Meeting a guy for coffee at Tim Hortons after my trampoline lesson" 2. If she asks for any details, I tell her. 3. Meet ups may occur in town, or in the woods on our farm, but will not occur under our roof while she is home. 4. I tell the truth when I say that I'm going to town for farm chores.

Part II: Safety reassurances. 1. I leave "find my" operational on my phone. 2. The name of my partner, face photo, and contact info are left on my desk in an envelope. 3. I will meet anyone new on our farm or in a public place first.

Part III: How much/how often? 1. Short encounters here on the farm generally after she has gone to bed. Woods rule still applies. I don't need to notify her about these. 2. Two nights a week I may be gone until late. These require letting her know.

Part IV: Together we work on non-sexual intimacy.
1. I make a point of touches in passing, sneaking up behind her to give her neck rubs.
2. We are starting Square Dancing this fall. 3. And looking at learning sensual massage.

**Part V Sunday morning meetings. 1. Continue our pattern of Sunday morning in bed coffee meetings, where we each ask each other about relationship strains. 2. Any topic is open. 3. Best is to let the other know ahead of time we need to talk. 4. We don't have to wait to Sunday. We have found so far that a brief mention results in a quick talk that settles the issue. 5. Either party can ask for a postponement to the next week, or until they are ready. 6. Either party can pause a topic, same idea.

The idea is taht we can talk about difficult things without sandbagging the other person with something unexpected, and that if it gets too tense either of us can pause before saying something hurtful or that we may regret later.

Part VI. She get whatever therapy she wishes. (This has been developing ever since I started therapy. I see a lot of my problems also affect her.)

Part VII This is a work in progress. 1. We can modify it by agreement. 2. The modifications are written down.

Ok, that's my collection of wagon wheel parts.

Any wheelwrights want to step forward with advice?