Long story short, my father has been physically and emotionally abusive to me all my life. Three years ago, he had one of his characteristic rage tantrums while visiting my home, and among many other hurtful and bizarre things, told me that he "didn't care if we never talked again." After decades of bending over backwards to maintain a relationship, I decided to take him at his word, and we haven't spoken since. He's sent a couple of letters (no apology, just blowing things off like nothing ever happened) but I haven't responded.

Since then I have tried to still maintain something of a relationship with my mom, who has been a more caring parent, although she was in denial about the abuse, enabling my father and failing to protect me. I call her on the phone about once a month, even though she treats me more like a social worker than a daughter and conversations with her are hard and depressing. She won't get any help for her physical and mental health problems and now she's finally been certified by doctors for hospice, diagnosed with Adult Failure to Thrive even though she is relatively young. My theory is that she has given up on life because being married to my father is so miserable. I know that my father is not the person to lift a hand taking care of her, and according to my brother who still visits them, she just sits in a chair all day waiting to die.

Part me of me really wants to go and see her. She's my mom, after all, even if she's far from an ideal parent. I have memories of her being loving and fun when I was little. I know she loves me to the best of her ability, and she's told me that being a mom is one of the only things that has given her life purpose. I would love to offer her some connection and comfort as she faces the end of her life, same as I'd want to receive when I get to that point.

At the same time, I feel really overwhelmed and terrified at the thought of going to my parents' home. Not only is it on the opposite side of the country, away from my support network, but they live in a very remote, rural location. It's over an hour from a town big enough to have a motel, so going to visit means staying at their house, which is very small. There's not even a guest room, just a sleeper couch in the living room. Once I was there, I wouldn't be able to control the amount of contact with my dad, or have any refuge to go and cool off if he said or did something hurtful. I would just basically be at their mercy for however long I was there. In my last conversation with my mom I asked if she'd be able to meet me in the city a couple of hours away where my brother lives. She said no, she doesn't leave home any more at all.

As much as I'd like to see my mom, I just don't think I can do it. I'm struggling with guilt and old thoughts and feelings about wanting to be a "good daughter" no matter what. The same thoughts and feelings that made me accept so much abuse in the past, blow it off, and keep going back. I've talked about it with my husband and my best friend and they've both said versions of "Your mom chose your dad over you. You don't have to choose her over yourself now." Which I appreciate, but I don't know if anything can take the guilt away completely right now.

If anyone has been in a similar situation and has any wisdom to offer, I would appreciate that, as I'm feeling really down and alone at the moment. (I'm inviting response and feedback from estranged adult children only, not from parents of estranged children.) Thank you.