I don't know where to begin. I found this community a few weeks ago when I reached my wit's end with my mother and I will say, just reading others' stories has been comforting beyond measure. I cannot believe the similarities between my story and so many of ya'lls; so first off, thank you to everyone here for creating this space.

A bit of quick background: my dad was an alcoholic with untreated mental illness (maybe bipolar, it's hard to say). He was verbally, physically and sexually abusive. I was able to get a restraining order against him and left home at 17. I begged my mother for years to leave my father, but she didn't until I had been out of the home for 2 years. I was NC with him for nearly a decade until he died.

The complicated relationship I am currently navigating is with my mother. She is emotionally immature, unavailable, neglectful-- she has refused my entire life to talk about what happened. She refuses to talk about anything negative at all; she lies about all kinds of things, even stupid things, and always places herself as the victim. If I bring up a topic she doesn't like, she will ignore me, change the subject, or give me the silent treatment. My whole childhood my entire family belittled be and teased me for being "too sensitive." When I finally remembered the sexual abuse of my childhood many years ago and tried speaking to her about it, she played completely dumb (even though other family members told me they'd always had suspicions and concerns due to signs).

I am now married, 1 year, to an amazing man and have my own little family, yet I can't seem to stop craving validation and attention from my mother, which only makes me hate myself more. Back in November of 2021, I tried to approach my mom and mention the ways I would like our relationship to improve; I spoke in a very calm voice, used "I" statements and gave specific examples and explained what I would like instead: When I was crying to you about husband's surgery, it hurt me that you didn't acknowledge what I said and changed the subject. In the future, I would love if you could just comfort me with emotional support, like "That must be really hard, I am so sorry sweetie."

She flipped out at me, said I was being verbally abusive to her and then shot back with a long list of petty things she was mad at me about (I was traveling Spain a whole week before you contacted me! It was like you didn't even care about my trip!). She also blocked me from seeing certain posts on Facebook, but she does allow me to see some things, which just feels ridiculously petty and manipulative.

I tried the letter writing (which I now see is a common trend for us estranged children-- ha, who knew?) and tried to be really open and compassionate but also clear about what I would like to move forward and of course, you can guess how that ended. Her last letter to me she started with, "I'd like to understand your 'needs' but..." My grandmother (her mom) died a few weeks ago and I sent her flowers (I live in a different country) and she ignored my kind gesture, which made me feel pathetic. Why do I keep trying to have a relationship with this person who claims she "loves me and is so proud of me!" (she loves to brag about my accomplishments to other people, but doesn't say those things to me) when I always end up crying, hurt, and disappointed after almost every interaction?

I had a breakthrough last night. I was crying to my husband about how one of my biggest weaknesses is that I hate not being recognized for my achievements and contributions-- this is a pretty big theme in my life, as I am an overachiever but never feel good enough. As soon as I said, "I don't know why, but I hate being ignored!" it hit me that it's because I never got the love and recognition I craved from either of my parents, and I just burst into tears.

I guess I am just looking for support. I am feeling really low and weak right now. I want to go NC, and I am trying, but I have said this before and always try "one more thing." I have read the book "Emotionally Immature Parents" and understand I need to let go of the healing fantasy but how? I am a successful woman who speaks 3 languages, put herself through grad school, is accomplished in my job, am also a professional musician-- but I still feel like I am always searching for external validation and it's eating me up inside. Any tips, encouragement, or advice very welcome and thank you so much for your time.