Oof this is a doozy. Okay I am the baby I have one older sister named Haley. Growing up my mom and I always fought, as a kid her touch and her presence never made me feel safe. She and my father were huge wine drinkers, often going through 3-4 bottles a night. My parents are short not large people by any means. When my parents would drink my dad would just get sleepy and my mom would get violent. I remember being blamed for ruining my mom's birthday when I was 4. My mom has serious undealt with trauma from her own life. She was physically and sexually abused by her stepdad. This completely fucked her in the head as she never dealt with it or went to therapy.

By the time I was 12 I was woken up by my father saying 'help help' your mom is trying to kill me. My mom's eyes were dilated and almost 100% pupil. There was no soul in her eyes. I helped my dad restrain my mom and my sister just slammed her door and ignored it all. With a chair jammed against the doorknob as the only protection my dad and I tried to sleep as my mom kept yelling, 'I'm going to fucking kill you Rob.'

In the morning my family would pretend it was all good. The cops were never called, we never went to therapy. We just pretended the demon that came out of my mom at night was fine. This pattern went on for 2 years. My sister would avoid and I would fear for my life every single night. I still have trouble sleeping at night from these 2 years of horror.

During this time instead of my dad putting my mom in jail he had an affair with his secretary. My mom found out and it only made her abuse of my dad worse.

My dad ends up moving out and my mom tries to brainwash me by saying everytime my dad went to the store he was "fucking Cindy." Everytime he did anything he was 'fucking Cindy', I was convinced to help destroy my parents wedding album because of my mom's brainwashing.

Meanwhile I went to a small private school and was heavily bullied. Every time a kid was mean to me my mom would call their parents and bitch them out. Needless to say I was never invited to a birthday party again and had 0 friends from 12-14, a time when I so desperately needed friends.

I have horrible memories of my mom, when I got my period she said I bled too much and pads were gross and stunk. Very cruel and mean to say to a young insecure 14-year-old girl.

**I started going to therapy at 14, I told my dad if I don't go I will be very screwed up. He agreed.

My mom also in a drunken state said I might have been molested by her stepfather, to which I said I have no memory of this I cant deal with this. And have just decided I was not as I have now been in therapy 16 years and have no memories of being molested.

My mom got sober and moved to another state. And it was just me and my dad in high school. He apologized for staying with my mom so long, for never calling the cops and for ignoring the problem.

My dad and I are best friends and he is my biggest supporter and always there for me.

More traumatic things happen as a result of my mom's bipolar disorder. She was hospitalized 2 times each for 10 days. And basically abandoned me when I was 14 to take care of herself.

So my mom gets sober and does apologize for some of these things. We get pretty close I'd even say enmeshed when I hit a depressive episode in college. I see her all the time, my bf and her new husband get along great. Her new husband is the glue that keeps us together. If my mom said something inappropriate or upsetting and wanted to brush it under the rug, my stepdad Don would talk to my mom until she understood my side of the story.

Don unfortunately dies from surgery complications and my mom chooses me to be her support. Hindsight she offers me nothing, no support it is all about her. She makes me visit him when he is on life support. And I had to see this man who I saw as a second father for 10 years hooked up to life support a-vegetable.

https://preview.redd.it/2fs1eu5y6y5e1.png?width=1179&format=png&auto=webp&s=4841024c6d03ece12697287761a7a675f642dd59

He gets taken off life support and my mom and I get totally codependent. I don't fully have time to process his death myself because my mom is a 'widow' a victim. This was when I was 24.

Skip to November when I am 25 years old. I am having a sleepover at my mom's house. We had a nice day went on a hike. I took a shower in her en suite bathroom. When I come out she is face timing her bf. Their conversation is innocent and just about what we did that day. (side note my mom always sleeps naked) even with her adult daughters in bed. I always thought It was gross and weird but she and my sister say its fine). I notice my moms hand moving under the blanket. She hangs up the face time and I say hey what are you doing? She says 'I'm just touching myself a little bit." I say I am uncomfortable with that and that's weird. She says 'what it's not like I came or anything.'

I run into the kitchen text my bf and order an uber. I go back in her bedroom to get my things and say I am leaving I do not feel safe.

I leave her house very shaken and betrayed.

The next day she texts me and says, 'I woke up and just realized you're not here then I realize that you were mad at me and I'm sorry I'm human sorry I was rubbing myself while I was talking to Allen but I just find him so sexually attractive. Also you forgot to lock our front.'

A few weeks later my older sister Haley calls me. I think shes going to ask me if Im coming home to our dad's house for Christmas. I moved away and my answer was going to be no. But she instead says that I made our mom feel bad. I called her weird and need to apologize. She said its not a big deal our mom was touching herself in front of me without my consent because we are both girls.

I told her hey if you like incest with mom, more power to you but I am not okay with it. Then she victim blamed me by saying well you and mom talk about your sex lives so I'm sure she got confused.

I end up cutting off my mom and sister for 4 months. I tell nobody in my family why I cut them off-to protect my mom.

Durign this time I asked my mom to go to therapy which she declines. My mom and sister harass and text my bf, my family members, send snail mail, email, Instagram. They practically stalk me for months and I'm scared they will show up at my door.

So I forgive. I let them off the hook.

It is now 4 years later and their behavior is still just as toxic. My mom has done more terrible things. And I don't want my next 30 years of life to have my horrible sister and mom in them. I attached images to show what its like.

Ive been gaslighting myself about how bad it is because I am so used to the abuse. But posting here because I told my new friend all of this and she couldn't believe how normal I am and why I let my mom and sister continually abuse me.

I typed a novel so prob will make follow up posts.

I’m writing this out so I can stay strong in cutting off my mom and sister and not fall back into their abuse.