(Actually had to write this again because my draft somehow deleted)

I would like to hear some feedback/insight for an experience I had roughly two years ago. I tried to kill myself, so this is a self-inflicted NDE. To sum up the preceding bullshit; I had lived a life of festering self-destruction and worthless disregard to my being (self-mutilation and drug abuse, to be ambiguously precise). To extinguish the black hole I felt I had become I severed an artery in my elbow, along with several other superficial openings.

After realising the imminent, messy reality of my actions I felt a wide relief, followed by an inescapable and growing doubt. Reluctance to follow through, perhaps. Regardless, and despite the elation from the loss of blood, I presume, I knew it was too late. but I still could not wholly submit myself.

I don’t know if this contradiction in my intention factored into the following, but I’m pretty fucken sure my consistent self hatred was a significant reason I was put where I was.

First and most vivid recollection I have is an immediate and utterly horrid feeling of all-encompassing terror/dread/panic (finding appropriate words for the feeling is hard) for an amount of time I can’t really distinguish. It was a long time. Trying to find clarity only really imbued more panic. I think I was in a place devoid of correlating dimensions. 1-d or 2-d, I don’t know. I know I remember shades of deep red in addition to the darkness. And I remember, eventually, my father sitting at the family dinner table. His being there was only tethered by the unfettered, piercingly malevolent disappointment he came with. His presence is probably what I felt/absorbed most. Screaming silence, to put it candidly edgy.

I do think, deep down, my intention to die was not genuine, and really only a momentary way for myself to circumvent (further) suffering. A superficial intention. An attempt to escape the endless escapism.

I need to know if the punishment I was given, which I originally interpreted as a glimpse into hell (further research contradicts this, unless suicide is treason to oneself) or merely an amalgamation of my self-loathing reflected unto my consciousness deprived of outer stimulus/senses.

My objective predisposition to what I’ve experienced counters what I have read about the gnostic idea of the life/death matrix I would have probably otherwise subscribed to. Unless they (archons/whatever) know to some degree the fate of your actions. Unless inspiration for further suffering benefits them.

Please, any insights will help me out here.