Parts 42-45

Alright, guys, real talk here: This part gets into some sensitive and maybe uncomfortable territory. We’re talking about STDs, and I know it’s not everyone’s favorite subject. So, if that’s something that makes you squirm or feel uneasy, go ahead and skip this part. Seriously, no hard feelings – take care of yourself first!

-Red

My nipples tingled, my clit pulsed, my butt tightened with every breath, and my mind spun in this delicious, dizzying dance of sensations, all tied together by his voice, his touch, his command.

Trembling and breathless, there I was, riding waves of pleasure that seemed like they would never end.

That is all I remember…

The next thing I remember was slumped over Gabriel, panting and without the ability to talk coherently, so I stayed there catching my breath.
I remember thinking that I could really use a drink of water, but I was too comfortable and weak to try to figure that out.
Gabriel just sat there and held me, stroking my hair and my back. I felt so cared for, protected, relaxed—and a little bit embarrassed.
Everything was so… peaceful. Even in his silence, Gabriel was warm and caring. Attentive, even if his attention was somewhere out the window.

I wanted to talk but didn’t know what to say… so, I just sat there with him.

I wondered what he was thinking. I was a little worried, I didn’t know if I did something wrong or if my reaction to everything was what he expected or even wanted.
Did his opinion of me change because of what had just happened?
It was a weird mixture of feelings—everything felt good, but I didn’t know if it was supposed to feel good. I was embarrassed by what I allowed him to do, and by what I allowed myself to feel, think, and enjoy.

Then there was the whole Chrissie thing—not the person, but the thoughts that went through my mind at the height of my excitement.
After a few moments, I felt him kiss my head. He didn’t say anything; he just continued stroking my hair.
Eventually, he said, “Beautiful, you were wonderful, thank you for sharing yourself with me.”
I thought, “Thank me? What for?” but somehow, I knew this wasn’t the time to question things. I just smiled and asked, “What are you thinking?”
He smiled with an audible exhale as he said, “You are a curious little thing, aren’t you?”
I lifted my head to face him and said, “Yes… but I make up for it by being adorable, right?”
We laughed, and he said, “I wasn’t thinking anything specific… I’m just enjoying the moment, enjoying you.”
I said, “Me? I didn’t do anything… not that I remember anyway.”

He chuckled and said, “Just being you is enough for me to enjoy.”
I gingerly asked, “So, you’re not disappointed?” and he responded, “What makes you think I would be disappointed?”
I looked away from his eyes and said, “Well, you didn’t get to, you know… I didn’t do anything. I would think you’d expect me to, you know… do something.”
He looked at me and said, “Red, look at me when you’re talking to me. Don’t look away simply because you feel discomfort. Can you do that for me?”
What was his deal with eye contact anyway?
Still, I went back to looking at him and said, “Yes, Sir… sometimes it’s just too much, and I forget.”
He replied, “I understand, and I will remind you each and every time, but I need you to make that effort for me. Ok, beautiful?”
I just said, “Yes, Sir.”
He continued, “Good girl. Red, you did a lot more than you realize, and what you did means a lot to me.”
I asked, “Can you tell me what I did? Because I don’t know, and I want to know.”
He took a deep breath and said, “You surrendered. You surrendered to yourself, and in doing so, you surrendered to me.
I know some of the things that happened are outside of your comfort, and you could’ve yelled out ‘MAGENTA,’ which would’ve stopped everything. Instead, you trusted me and gave me control.
That requires a lot of trust, and I’m thankful for it. Not to mention that you pushed yourself out of your comfort zone and explicitly asked to be here.
Red, you did a lot. Thank you.”
Wow! I hadn’t thought of it that way—he thinks of everything, doesn’t he?

Interesting… but did I really surrender to myself, or did I surrender to him? Does it really matter?
What does “surrender” even mean anyway?

Anyway, he was right. A month ago, none of this would’ve happened, and I would be in my room wishing something like this would happen.
Well, not all of it—I did NOT see the butt thing coming... how embarrassing! But what’s worse? I liked it.
Holy shit, I am one of those!

I said, “Gabriel, thank you for taking care of me and dealing with my shit. I can’t promise you that it’s all over, but I am really trying, ok?”
He smiled and said, “You’re welcome, beautiful, you’re certainly making it worth it. I can’t wait to see what happens when you fully break out of your shell.”
I said, “Me too, Sir,” then I reached my hand up behind his head so I could bring our lips together for a kiss.
He said, “Mmm, I’m getting used to those.” And I playfully replied, “I hope so, because you have a lot of them coming to you!”
We laughed a little and then I laughingly said, “Sir, can we make Wednesdays ‘backseat’ date night? I’m enjoying it a lot more than the park.”
He chuckled and said, “Sounds like fun, but I don’t think we could fit you, Chrissie, and me back here. But I could always get a van,” and we laughed.

Oh yeah! The jiggly bitch! There was that ball of yarn to untangle… but not right now, I got my payback.

He then said, “So, talk to me about Chrissie. How are you feeling about that?”
Well, I didn’t enjoy the thought of her lips and her delicious lip gloss while you were making me cum, if that’s what you’re asking.
I kind of wanted to tell him about that whole lip gloss thing, but I was a little… ashamed.
Maybe I needed to process it a little more before I had a conversation about it.
I made a deal with myself—if it happened again, I would tell Gabriel and see where it went… well, maybe if it happens two more times to be safe.

I said, “I’m OK with Chrissie, I like her. I think she’s really cool. And that thing she did before she left, it didn’t bother me as much as I thought it would… but I kind of want to get her back at some point.”
I laughed while Gabriel said, “Hmm… this is not going to be fun.”
He continued, “Red, as long as you’re fine and we can all be one big happy family together, then you can get back at her as many times as you want… twice on Sundays.
I do have to warn you, Chrissie can be a handful, so be careful once you open those doors.”
I said, “But… you don’t have a problem with that? I don’t want to get in trouble with you.”
And he responded, “I can’t stop you or stop her from being as playful as you want to be. If I’m not OK with it, you’ll still do it, but it will be more intense, and I will be behind my back.
I would much rather be aware of what’s happening, making sure it never gets out of hand.
If it is in danger of getting out of hand, I will shut it down… but if being playful in that way is part of your nature and part of the chemistry you and Chrissie develop, I’d rather watch you both play and be safe, than find out that she did something, or you did something that hurt the other.
My job here is to protect this family, but I can’t expect her to change her nature anymore than I can expect you to change yours.
But again, I warn you, she will figure out your buttons and push them if you let her.
In the end, it all boils down to not dishing out more than you can take.”
Then he smilingly changed his tone to say, “And then, there’s the other aspect of this… I’m not going to lie and say it won’t be fun for me.
Think about it from my perspective—you and Chrissie having a kissing contest and me being the subject of the kisses… sounds like a good time for me, doesn’t it?”
Ah! I didn’t think of it that way… he would be on the receiving end of a lot of kisses while Chrissie and I duke it out for kissing supremacy.
I did have to think about it… I know me, but I didn’t know her and what if she figured out ways to make me react, or feel sad?
On the other hand, that jiggly bitch had to pay—and how many times would I be able to just sit there and let her taunt me?

If I’m being honest, I too could be a lot to handle, but since this is new territory for me, I thought I should ask Gabriel what I should do—so I did.
His response was what you’d expect, he said, “If I were you, I would slow down and see how far she pushes. If you don’t react to her, she will eventually give up and just accept that you’re not wanting to play. However, if you react, brace yourself.

Make no mistake about it, Chrissie is one of the most loving, sweetest, accepting, and caring people you will ever meet, but she does like to play. You should always remember and understand that she is not malicious in any way—she just likes to play. It all depends on how much you can take or if you’re willing to play with her.”

I was entranced by Gabriel’s knowledge and acceptance of Chrissie. I would have thought that he’d be more rigid or put his foot down to avoid conflict, but he was understanding and accepting. I liked that.

It also gave me the option to be as evil as I wanted to be—as long as I could take it.

I said, “Ok, Sir. I’ll think about it… but you should know, I can be more than a handful too.”
He smiled and said, “If that’s the price I have to pay to have you in my backseat and play with your amazing breasts, I will gladly pay it.”

I blushed, saying, “Gabriel, I am shyyyyyyy!” He smiled and said, “I love it when you blush, it’s adorable.”

For a while I had been wondering about the whole “Sir” thing. I did not have a problem with saying it, I really didn’t… I liked it, but I wanted to know, WHY. Considering everything I was feeling, if he wanted me to call him “Mr. President Batman, Lord of the Hobbits”, I would’ve.

I figured that would be a good time to ask. I perked up, fixed my bra and jeans, adjusted myself, but stayed on his lap, cause that’s where I wanted to be and asked “Sir, can I ask why you like to be called ‘Sir’? I don’t have a problem with it, but I am cuuuu-riiii-ous!”
His eyes got big, and a big smile came to his face as he said, “Well, look who joined the party! I love it when this part of you comes out to play!” I giggled and quickly said, “Me too, but be careful, I can be a handful. Tell me… pleeeeeease!”

He smiled and said, “Ok, before I do that, let’s do this… Now, this is a one-time deal, and I expect you to understand that what you’re about to do is not acceptable and I will not tolerate it, ok?”

Holy shit! What was he about to ask me to do? I was a little concerned, but I've obviously always been more curious than cautious, so I played along and said, “Deal”.
He said very clearly and slowly, “I want you to pay very close attention to how you feel inside when you say this, I will explain after. Ok?” I hesitantly said, “Yes, Sir.”

Then he repeated, “Make sure you pay close attention to how you feel when you say this, ready?” I nodded and he said, “Now, say, ‘Fuck you, Gabriel’.”
Wait, what?
I said, “I am not going to say that, Gabriel!” and replied, “Red, trust me, pay attention to how you feel, and say it.” I hesitated and sheepishly said it. He said, “No, say it like you mean it.” After some back and forth, I finally said it to his satisfaction. He then said, “Good, now, say ‘Fuck you, Sir’, same thing, pay attention.” I said, “Fuck you, Sir!”
Then he said, “Did you notice the difference on how you felt when you said it both times?” I had felt the difference; the first time, it felt like something had broken, almost like a boundary had been crossed. The second time I said it, I felt like there was something that prevented that same boundary to be crossed. It was weird!

I explained what I felt to him; He smiled and said, “So, while you may think the whole ‘Sir’ thing is about me, it really isn’t.
It is about respect and by using the word ‘Sir’ from the start, the tone and foundation of our relationship has been set. The thing about respect in relationships is that it can be compromised quickly and accidentally, and once it is gone, it is almost impossible to get it back to where it needs to be. And even if it was not hard to get it back, why break it?

Personally, I will not be part of any relationship where respect was not held in the highest regards. Respect can also be slowly compromised, a little joke here, another jab there, next thing you know, we would be insulting one another on a regular basis, and that’s a slippery slope.
So, I can wait for it to be compromised accidentally and quickly, or I can wait for it to be slowly chipped off; The third option is to actively safeguard it.
I prefer to preserve it to ensure that it is always present in our relationship. Does that make sense to you, or should I continue?”

Wow! Mind, blown.
Where does he get all this stuff?

I said, “It makes perfect sense, Sir. Thank you for explaining it to me.
But rest assured, I would never say anything like that to you.”

He responded, “That may be true, and I don’t doubt you for one second… but it is true in your current mental and emotional state. We don’t know how you will react when your mental or emotional states are altered, at least I don’t know. So, I would rather be safe and try to avoid any possible problems. If we practice respect constantly, it will slowly get internalized and become part of us, to the point that it won’t even be a thought, ever.”

I just said, “I understand, Sir.” I was in awe of the amount of thought he put into everything, even little details that I was not paying attention to. This was something I really liked and didn’t even know existed… But I was still curious about one thing, so I asked, “But isn’t respect subjective? I mean what is disrespectful to you, may not be to another person, right?”
His face lit up with a big smile while he said “mmm mmm mmm… I just love that mind of yours, can I hump your brain for a little bit?” and let out a laugh while I just sat there wondering what the hell that was supposed to mean. I mean, he could hump anything and I would let him, but how would that even work?
Nevertheless, he continued “You’re absolutely right, respect could be subjective and you could accidentally be disrespectful to someone.

I have found that as long as you are always mindfully respectful, think about what, and how, you say things before you say them, you can avoid a lot of problems… However, I understand that you can’t always avoid it, but if you build a reputation for being thoughtful and respectful, you can make a mistake from time to time and it will be forgiven.

And then, there are people who are looking for ways to feel disrespected.
You can say something like ‘I love how I look today’ and they will interpret that as ‘You don’t look as good as me’. But that’s just how some people live their lives, and you can’t do anything about that, it’s part of their programming.”

Holy shit! Programing, as in mind control and the Illuminati? Now we’re speaking my language! I had seen endless amounts of videos and read a few books, but I never thought he would! I don’t know if the topics were as interesting as I thought they were, it might’ve just been me crushing on my boyfriend… but he had me jumping from one question to another and I was loving it! I was not ready to fully geek out about the whole Illuminati thing just yet, so I cautiously asked, “What do you mean by ‘Programing’?”

To my surprise, and disappointment, he said, “Well, people’s reactions can often be shaped by their experiences, expectations, or insecurities, but it is just part of basic human behavior. For example, when I was younger, I had a shitty attitude, felt a lot of anger, even acted like the world owed me something, and I confronted everything that came my way with that attitude and anger. I carried myself pretending to be a tough guy, because that is what I felt I needed to be, but it was just my programing.

We can say it was my environment, my upbringing, my situation, my insecurities, survival mode, defense mechanisms, anything. We can blame it on anything we want, but that was my programing, or conditioning if you will.
So that’s what I mean by programing.”

Well, that took an unexpected turn, quickly… but I was fascinated nonetheless. It was difficult to imagine a Gabriel with an attitude, or a tough guy… I just couldn’t see it.
I’ve seen “tough guys” before, nothing like him.
I laughingly said, “No way, I can’t see you as a tough guy!” He smiled said “I didn’t say I was, I said I acted like one.” – He continued – “Anyway, that’s what I meant by programing. But before I forget, remember, that what I asked you to say earlier was a one-time thing, and I expect this to be the last time you say something like that to me. I will not tolerate it.
Is that unequivocally understood?”

I said, “Yes, Sir!” and then asked, “Can I kiss you now? Cause I want to kiss you.” And he said, “Of course beautiful, just don’t put your butt in my hand again because you know what happens.” My jaw dropped, I blushed, and I was suddenly reminded that my butt was still tingly! The audacity of my Sir!
As I was struggling to close my mouth and in shock, he just kissed me and I forgot all about the shock and well, everything else.

As we kissed, I slowly started to notice that I was grinding on him again. I could feel his erection pressing against me. My body wanted to lose itself in the moment, to sink into the heat between us again. But as much as I wanted to go back into full make out mode, a thought crept in, pulling me out of the haze.
Why didn’t he put his fingers inside me? He was right there and didn’t do it.

Not complaining—life was good when it came to my orgasms, which apparently belong to him now—but I don’t know why, I craved him being inside of me, even if it was just his fingers. Was there something wrong with me that made him not want to do it?
Do I smell or something?
That’s the first thing Eric wanted to do, and he could not get there fast enough, to the point where I had to ask him to stop because it was hurting… but no, not Mr. Gabriel, his delicate, manicured hands were too good for me.

Ahhh Fuck… moment, gone.
If I had a dick, it’d be a wet noodle by now.

I broke the kiss and said, “Gabriel, can I ask you a question? It’s not a big deal, I am just curious.” See? I can bluff! He said, “Of course you can, beautiful, but you know the drill… look in my eyes when you do.”
Oh, for fucks sake! This would be so much easier through messages, but knowing him, he’d ask me to send him a video.

Alright, I can do this. I took an enormous breath, looked in his eyes and said, “When we were doing stuff earlier, you were going to you know… use your fingers, you know… inside.
But it felt like you changed your mind, the same thing happened yesterday at the park.
I just want to know why… is there something wrong with me?
You can tell me, I won’t get mad.”

Gabriel looked at me with a great deal of sympathy in his eyes and said, “Red, thank you so much for saying this. I am incredibly aware of how difficult it is to say things like these, and I am so proud of you for having the courage for saying it.”

It felt good when he acknowledged the amount of effort it took for me to bring myself to say it. But… Yeah, yeah, yeah, get to the part where you answer my question.

I just nodded and he said, “Well, beautiful, the truth is that I am really looking forward to being inside you, in every way possible. It is all I think about… But when I finally am inside you, I want it to be completely, and I am saving that moment for when we are ready to have sex… It is not going to be at a park, or in my car… it is going to be on my bed, while I am looking in your beautiful brown eyes. I am going to love, enjoy and savor every moment of it.”

Oooooh! Speechless…
There I was, feeling rejected, like he thought I smelled or something, but he was trying to save that moment, like it was a special occasion.
I quickly went from feeling rejected and like something was wrong with me, to feeling deeply desired, and of course, blushing!
It was overwhelming.

He must’ve seen my confusion and asked, “Red, do you understand what I am saying to you?” I was still trying to recompose myself and croaked out a simple “Y-y-yes, Sir.”

I was baffled, I felt “special” I think would be the best way to describe it, but I just could not understand… Why? What was it about me that made him see me like that. I felt desired, deeply, and I couldn’t wrap my mind around that.
The truth is that prior to all of this, I saw myself as a broken girl who was not worthy of much more than a prom night lay, and there he was, treating the moment he enters me as an occasion to savor.
I was THIS close to telling him I was ready to have sex with him right then and there… but between shyness and the fact that he does not want it to be in the back of his car, I am sure I just looked lost.

He broke the silence and asked, “Red, are you alright?” I was starting to come back to earth and said “Yes, Sir, I am fine. I am just trying to digest it all. I was starting to think I smelled or something like that.” He laughed and pulled me in close for a kiss and I went back to feeling high, maybe a little ready to go back into make out mode.
I know I should’ve addressed what he said, but I just didn’t know what to say, I was shocked… What do you say to someone when they say something like that? Thank you?

This time, he broke the kiss and said, “Red, I have some questions of my own. Are you ok with answering them? They are personal questions, you should know that.”
Hmmm… What could he possibly ask me? I felt a little defensive, what if he started asking about my online activities? My life at home? What could it be?
I decided that whatever he wanted to know, I was going to be open and honest about it… Kamikaze Red!

I perked up and said, “What would you like to know, Sir?”

He took a deep breath and said, “Please do not see this as any form of disrespect, attack or anything along those lines, I simply don’t know the answers and think I should. Do you understand?”
Holy shit, what was he going to ask?
I said, “I understand” and he continued, “Red, do you have any habits I should know about?
Keep in mind that my commitment to staying here with you, regardless of what you say, is still there.
So don’t be afraid to be honest, I am not going anywhere.”

Confused, I asked, “Habits? Like what?”
He took a second to think and said, “As I said before, please do not take this as some form of disrespect, insinuation or accusation, I am just trying to see what we are dealing with.

I am trying to find out if you have habits, like do you go out and get drunk or high every weekend, or every day.
Do you have random hookups?
Am I going to start getting phone calls from an ex or a friend with benefits?
All things that could affect me and I should know about.”

HA! Dude, I seldom leave my room and the one time I stepped outside of my comfort zone, Eric fucked me and disappeared… if he calls you, tell him I said he sucks in bed!

I wanted to say exactly what I thought, but I am a lady! So, I said “No, Sir, nothing of that sort. Trust me, NOTHING!” and he said “I don’t know if I should trust you, Ms. Red, you ask for a whole lot of faith…” mocking me because I said that very thing to him the night before.
If that was the end of the questioning, I was going to come out of this unscathed.
I asked, “Is that it? That’s all you want to know?” and his response was, very unexpected. He said, “Almost! Do you use toys when you masturbate?”
Welp… I got too cocky, I should’ve left the questioning alone and not incite any more questions. It’s not that I felt the need to hide anything, it was just a little uncomfortable talking about this.

I said, “No, nothing either. I’ve thought about it, but never actually did it… they can get expensive, you know?”
He smiled and said, “Good, so my plan will continue as expected!”

Obviously, I got curious, I think he was doing that on purpose!
I asked, “What plan?” He did the forehead thing again, where he pressed his forehead against mine so our eyeballs damn near touched and intensely said, “Red, I want the next thing to be inside you to be me. No toys, no fingers, nothing.
Nothing should be inside you, until I am.
Do you understand?”

Wow! I don’t think that throughout all this writing, I have been able to do justice to his intensity and how overwhelming it could be, but I also liked it.

I nodded and said, “Yes, Sir, I understand.”
Granted, there were hygiene issues that were just left floating in the air, but I knew what he meant.
He was serious about saving that part of me, it was intoxicating to be the subject of his desire to that extent.

He then said, “I am glad that you understand, can you agree to it?” I said “Yes, Sir!” while nodding again, perhaps a little too vigorously, but I was excited about the whole thing.
The way I was feeling at that moment was a stark contrast to how I was feeling before, when I thought that there may be something wrong with me. Now, I felt like I was worth saving and savoring... and I was feeling good.

He simply said, “Good girl, thank you for being mine, Red. You have no idea how fortunate I am.” And then he kissed me.
All this had me feeling great, my new zip code was somewhere around cloud nine.

He broke the kiss again… Damn it!
Then he said, “There are two more things we need to talk about.” Geesh!
I said, “Yes, Sir” and he responded, “If you’re not on birth control, it is a good idea for you to go to your doctor and get on it.
I understand we’re not having sex, but we should be ready for when we are.
If you don’t have a doctor or health insurance, let me know and we will figure it out together.
You are doing this for both of us, so there is no reason you should have to shoulder this on your own.
Is that something you can live with?”

I had nothing, no objection, no comment, no joke, nothing, so I just said, “I can live with that.”
Honestly, the thought of having kids was a scary thought for me. I thought maybe it would change in the future, but as of that moment, I was perfectly on board with birth control.

It was so unusual to be having these grown-up conversations so openly and how he was just, in a way, guiding me through it all. I felt taken care of and protected.
Don’t get me wrong, I was acutely aware of the fact that this was also a way for him to get away scot-free, but hey, it was better than I had ever known.

Then I said, “And the last thing? Inquisitive minds, you know?”
He cleared his throat and took a deep breath. I was anxious to know what it was. Usually, this type of thing would have me hiding under the seat, but the way he walked me through it all, just made me want to know more.
He said, “This next thing is very, very sensitive and you should know that this is something that I don’t take lightly. It is something that is seldom talked about until it happens, but it is a reality that we have to deal with, understand?” I said, “I understand, Sir”.

He went on to say, “We have to talk about sexually transmitted diseases.”

My heart sank as he continued, “While I don’t expect this to happen to us, it’s always a possibility. But that’s true of any relationship—not just ours. The key difference is that we’ll be conscious, prepared, and open about it.

I want us to be ready, so if it does happen, we can handle it maturely and level-headed. The last thing we want to do in those moments is freak out. We’ll just see it as another thing we’ll take care of together, if it comes.”

Wow, wow, wow! Easy there, cowboy! I did not sign up for this! The mere thought of catching some disease turned me off completely. I had not thought about this as a possibility until he brought it up!
Shit!
When you sit there and think about it, he was right, it was a possibility… I guess I was too busy dealing with everything else and this didn’t even cross my mind.

I got off from straddling him and caught myself feeling exposed. I mean, I had read stories and stuff like that, and it was scary to think about it.

For some reason, when he brought it up, it made it feel real, like the act of talking about it turned it into more of a certainty.

I sat there quietly while Gabriel looked at me, waiting for some sort of reaction, but I had nothing to offer.

Eventually, he broke the silence and said, “Red, are you alright?” I gingerly asked, “H-h-have you ever gotten one of those?” He quickly responded, “Yes, I have. I would love to be able to tell you otherwise, but I have gotten infected before. It was nothing major, but it did happen.”
I have to be honest, the thought of him having been infected with some dirty disease changed my perception of him. How could someone so careful and neat about everything have been infected? I went from having him on a pedestal, to thinking of him in a much less favorable light, to put it mildly.
I mean, I was sure that those things only happened to prostitutes and junkies. The thought of him being a dirty junkie did cross my mind—I mean, I didn’t know.
I noticed that when he admitted to that, I scooted a little bit away from him.
Not knowing what else to say, I asked “When did this happen?” He said, “It happened a long time ago, ironically, in a monogamous relationship.” That was shocking, I said “How? How could that be possible?”
I noticed that his demeanor and eye contact never changed throughout this conversation.
He said, “Just because someone says they are monogamous, it doesn’t make it true, does it?
The reality is that I will never know for sure what happened; and to me, it does not matter.
We got into a fight, she walked out, and somehow she ended up at her coworkers house, one thing led to another and that was that.”

I asked almost incoherently, “What do you mean it doesn’t matter? I would be pissed!” and he responded, “I was. At the time I was angry, and I judged her.
But in the end, she is human and there’s no telling what she was going through inside.
Most importantly, over time, I understood the role I played in everything that happened, and I was almost as responsible as she was.

In the end, we are all humans, and we’re bound to make mistakes, she is not exempt from that rule.
With the benefit of time and distance, I understood, that lesson was necessary for me to learn quite a few things.”

Why was he taking responsibility for what happened? This didn’t make sense to me. She did something that she wasn’t supposed to do and as a result, he got infected. Seemed straight forward to me.

I asked, “What role did you play in all of that?” He quickly responded, “Red, I am all for transparency and telling you all about my past, but we must focus on the subject. I will not allow this conversation to be one of those things where we say, ‘we started talking about it, but got sidetracked’. Do you understand?”

Oh yeah… I was getting distracted, almost felt like it was “story time with Gabriel”.
I said, “Yes, I understand. I just don’t know what to do.” To which he responded, “There’s nothing TO DO. There is only understanding and accepting that STDs are something that you can acknowledge as a possibility, or you ignore them. Whichever choice you make, it doesn’t change the fact that they exist.
We can take measures to TRY to make sure they don’t happen, but other than complete celibacy, there’s nothing that will completely shield you from them.
Even the act of kissing can put you at risk.
As I found out the hard way, this is true regardless of monogamy, polyamory or any other type of relationship.

What I am trying to convey to you is that we need to understand that it is something that could happen and I am very sorry to do this to you, but as of this moment, you can never again say ‘I didn’t know this could happen’ and mean it.

Now your options are a) you can walk away from this relationship or b) stay in this relationship so we can be together, but neither option will ever completely shield you from the reality of STDs, only complete abstinence can do that for you.

Listen beautiful, I understand that this is an uncomfortable conversation, but it needed to happen. It certainly would be useless after we had sex, it needed to happen now.”

The whole thing was very uncomfortable, it almost made it real, as if he was infecting me by just having the conversation. There was a part of me that said, “and to think that I was ready to have sex with him, right then and there”.
On the other hand, he did say that we would be having these conversations, I guess the timing was not the best. There was also the side of me that cynically said “why can’t we ignore it, like normal people!?”

I said, “Gabriel, I understand that this is just a conversation, but it makes it feel so real, I don’t know how to feel or react.” He took a deep breath and said, “It should feel real, because it is real. I am not telling you that I am infected, or you are infected, I am telling you that at some point we may be and if we do, we need to handle it in the best way possible, so it won’t permanently damage our relationship.

This is all a measure to protect our relationship and keep it as intact as possible.

In most relationships, this is something that is not talked about because it is so uncomfortable.
What person in their right mind says to their monogamous partner ‘Hey, I am going to cheat on you. How would you like to handle if I get an STD?’
Obviously, they don’t have that conversation.

We are in a privileged position where we know, beyond the shadow of any doubt, what the other is doing. We know, because we are being honest about everything.

Sweetheart, I am not telling you that this is an inevitability, I am simply saying that it could happen, and we should be aware of it.

Honesty is not always as pretty as we want it to be. We, humans, love the cliché of saying that honesty is the best policy, but seldom do we ask ourselves if we can handle it.

And that’s what I am asking from you now, I am asking you to handle honesty even if it makes you uncomfortable.”

It dawned on me that he was not telling me I was infected or that I would be, he was just telling me it could happen.
In my previous experience, this was never discussed and for all I knew, Eric had given me something, it certainly was not an orgasm.

HOLY SHIT!!!! Maybe that’s why he disappeared! Maybe he gave me something, and now I had something!!

That thought made me panic and the only person I trusted enough to have this conversation was right there in front of me, so I said “Ok, Sir. I understand what you are telling me… also, MAGENTA.”
Gabriel looked lost and shocked for about one tenth of a second and immediately turned to me, gave me all his attention and said, “Red, what do you need from me at this very moment?”

I said, “Ok, ok, ok… I am panicking, so please be a little patient.

As we talk about this, I am thinking that maybe I have something? The only time I’ve had sex is like I told you with that guy I met online. We had sex and he disappeared, and it dawned on me that maybe that’s why he vanished… and… I am scared.”

Gabriel looked at me and in the most tender way said, “Red, would you like for me to hug you right now?” and I just nodded. He reached out for me, and I just sank onto him, worried, embarrassed and oblivious on what to do. While holding me, he said “Red, don’t stress about this, it will be ok. I will take you to get tested, I will get tested, and we’ll make sure Chrissie gets tested as well.
It will be OK, I promise.”

It suddenly became uncomfortably clear that throughout this entire conversation, I was judging Gabriel for something he didn’t do and allowing that judgment to sully my image of him, but then when he could’ve judged me or say, ‘I told you so’, he didn’t… He held me, reassured me and was willing to take care of me… Humbling.
Maybe he was not a junkie and deserved to be on his, now reinstated, pedestal.

While still being held by him, I said, “Sir, what if I am infected with something? Are you going to think less of me?” He quickly said, “Absolutely not, you’d still be my good girl. These things happen and all we can do is fix what can be fixed, learn from the experience and hope it doesn’t happen again.”
Feeling hypocritical I said, “Sir, can I tell you something and you don’t be mad?”, he smiled audibly and said, “Of course I won’t get mad, I promise.”
I replied, “When you were telling me about your experience, I judged you. And I am so sorry.” He just said, “I know, beautiful, it is ok, I understand.”
“You knew? How?” I asked, and he responded, “First of all, your eyes gave you away, they tell everything about you… and then your body language confirmed it.”

I smiled and said, “I have to get better at this. I can’t have you reading me like this all the time.” He laughed and said, “You mean to tell me that you’d rather spend the length of our relationship, figuring out how to hide things from me, over just being open and honest about everything? Sounds like a very tedious, frustrating relationship, don’t you think?”

I said, “I guess… but maybe I want to keep some things to myself, I don’t want you to know how full of shit I am… not yet.” And we both laughed.
I then said, “So, if it ever happened, how would you like for me to handle it? How would you handle it?”
He replied, “Just like you did today, you did wonderfully. You said your safe word, you waited for me to acknowledge it, calmly said what you needed to say and then waited for me to react.

You were magnificent, I am so proud of you.”

After that, I just burrowed myself into him and the comfort he created for me.

to be continued...