I was dressed head to toe in pleather, hoping to find someone to fuck that night. As I weaved my way through the crowd I finally spotted my prey. He smiled, revealing a mouthful of perfectly straight teeth. After a quick introduction, I told Julia we were going to dance and she approved as she sucked a lime wedge and bobbed her head to the music. I then dragged him down a dim hallway in the back of the club, looking for a more secluded place where I could kiss him without the scorn of my drunken sister.

Halfway down the hall I had second thoughts. I stopped and leaned into the wall, not trusting my tequila-weakened legs. Before I could say anything my new friend leaned in and gently bit my earlobe.

“I have a boyfriend.” I giggled at the tickle of his scruff.

“So?” he kissed my neck. “I won’t tell him."

“I live with my boyfriend.” I whispered as the bass pumped from the speakers above us.

“He doesn’t have to know,” he asserted as he pressed me harder against the wall.

I took a deep breath and told myself not to do anything I’d regret, but I was drunk and not completely sure I would regret anything.

His hands had quickly found my ass and he pulled me into his engorged pelvis. Physically I felt nothing. My body was having no reaction to his advances. If it were Leo I would have been soaked between my legs. But fuck Leo, the thought of him enraged me so much that by the time Todd, or Tag or Ty, whatever his name was, had snuck his hand up my skirt and into my panties, I knew there was no turning back.

“I could fuck you right here,” he whispered as he pushed his fingers in deeper. I looked him in the eye and bit my lower lip as if I were contemplating the consequences of my actions.

I was not.

My anger was numbing.

"So what do you say?” he was holding my gaze; his chocolate eyes were quite convincing. Still biting my lip I slowly nodded yes. It was then that I knew, no matter what, that my relationship with Leo would never be the same.

When I got back to the bar, Julia was waiting with another shot. “God, Julia, how many of these have you had?” I just wanted to get the fuck out of there.

“What took you so long?” she leaned in and shouted. Her breath was warm and reeked like the aftermath of a Cancun spring break. Impromptu, unpleasing sex in a club is sobering and I just wanted to go home.

“Let’s get out of here.” I said, taking the shot glass from her hand. “I’m getting a headache.” She pouted at the mouthful of tequila left in the glass and threw a teeth-crushed lime onto the bar, “Oh alright,” she sighed.

When I finally made it home, after helping Julia into her apartment, I felt like I had swallowed a basketball. This secret, the secret that I’d only had for two hours was like a tumor that filled my gut. I didn’t know how to feel, so I felt nothing. Walking in the door to Leo’s and my cozy little nest, I numbly dropped my purse on the floor. Leo was sprawled out on the couch wearing a pair of mesh basketball shorts and a plain white tee. His hair was damp and disheveled —towel-dried.

Did he really think a shower would cleanse him of his depravity, I wondered, while I was out drinking...and fucking. I gulped. The tumor had migrated to my throat. Leo looked up at me and smiled.

“Hey babe,” he greeted me naturally before tossing the remote onto the couch cushion, leaving his arms open for a hug.

"I fucked someone,” I said as I walked past the sofa stoically, not giving him a single glance. At the bottom of the stairs, I paused, waiting for a reaction, but all I got was silence. Finally, I spoke, “I’m going to take a shower.” More silence followed as I climbed the stairs to our room.

In the bathroom, I quickly undressed. By that time, I was completely sober. My buzz had worn off as my brain marinated in the magnitude of what I had done. Now I had to deal with the consequences. My panties were damp with sweat and stained with a single streak of blood. I was sore—unlubed condom, attempting obscurity in a dark nightclub hallway and absolutely zero arousal make for a very bad time. I tossed my panties into the trash can; soiled with Ty’s or Tag’s or Todd’s sweat, pubes and god knows what else; I’d never wear them again.

I looked up into the mirror and saw Leo standing behind me. His hands were balled into fists. “Shit, Leo! What the hell are you doing?”

“What do you mean you fucked someone?” He said through clenched teeth. I’d never seen him angry like this.

And I liked it.

Yes, feel it, I wanted to yell at him, feel what I feel. “I fucked a guy in the back of the club.”

More silence.

“I fucked him goooood.” I said sultrily.

Oh, god Atalise, shut your fucking mouth! My head screamed.

“And I fucked him hard.” I couldn’t stop. A new lump had formed in my throat and I could feel hot tears pooling in my eyes. “I fucked him till he came inside me, deep inside me,” my throat tightened and my voice shook as I finished, “while you were here fucking doing god knows what.”

“Atty, what are you talking about?” He sounded confused.

“You know what I’m talking about.” I sneered.

“Atalise, I told you, all of that is a fantasy. I’ve never cheated on you.”

“No, no, no. Of course you haven’t.” I was irate. “What you’re doing is completely innocent.”

“I can’t believe you’re comparing porn to actually fucking someone.” His soft voice enraged me.

“You can’t even keep your dick up while we have sex!” I screamed.

A look of horror spread across Leo’s face. “I’m not having this conversation with you.” He then left and I was standing alone, exposed and feeling shameful.

The following morning, after I spent a long restless night alone in our bed, Leo caught me just as I was walking out the door.

“If you want to fuck other guys go ahead.” He sounded tired. “Go fuck the entire city for all I care. You’ve put up with my shit. I suppose I had it coming.”

I opened my mouth to say something, but I wasn’t sure what it was I wanted to say. So instead I shut my mouth and then the door behind me.