This begins like any other online meetup.

First, you have the initial thrill of somebody new. There's something about you, and there's something about me, which hits that sweet spot in our minds. Like when you open a box of Malteasers (do they still sell these?), you can't just take one. Just like how one conversation thread won't be enough either, we will bounce from topic to topic and discover just how much in common we share. There's that TV show we both like, or that film we've been meaning to watch. Take a mental note because these are perfect for our first meeting.

We ride out the storm—the one where the dreams of potential lifetimes are forged and lost. The first week when you meet online is rough and it takes mutual trust to make it through together in one piece. But we get through with our ship in one piece. The date is set, and our tentative first meeting in Leeds is set. We're excited, but we're playing it cool.

"Yeah, sounds good. I'll arrive at the station at about 16:00. Meet me there and we'll go grab some drinks?".

It's nonchalant, and neither of us know the other is self-conscious and just wants to get naked together. We don't admit this though, obviously. Your post specified that it's chilled and casual. You never admit this.

We see each other from across the platform. You’re even cuter than I thought. I am a little taller than you imagined. It’s a little timid, playful, but we get over those 5-minutes and you take us to a place you know. The drinks flow, we break the ice, we get more comfortable with each other. A touch on the arm, a small bite of the lip. God I wish we could just kiss already.

The evening is getting on and I let you know that if you’re not comfortable, then I can head to the hotel I reserved just in case things didn’t quite click as we hope, but you’re comfortable with me, and I trust you. We settled on the idea to watch that show you wanted to show me and cuddle up on your sofa. It’s Winter, this is just what you’re meant to do. We arrive at yours and you give me the tour. It’s cold, but that’s just more reason to grab the thicker blanket. You pour us some drinks and we settle on Pizza. Our bodies wrap around each other and we’re trying our best not to move too much or breathe too heavily. But your head is on my chest, and the beating of my heart gives away that I am not as cool as my outward demeanour. You don’t mind.

The pizza arrives and the half-time whistle blows. I still can’t quite believe you like that topping, and I playfully tease you about it, but it’s all light-hearted and good fun. I know full well that I could eat the whole pizza, but I need to look like I have control of my greed, so I will tell you that I'll leave the 3 slices for breakfast. Regret.

Back to the TV, but now that we’re not going anywhere, we are more relaxed. We talk a little more, and find ourselves distracted. You mention how you can’t believe how your Reddit post has actually led to this, especially after the type of messages you received. You pass me your Reddit inbox and I read aloud some of the messages. For some reason, you find my voice relaxing, and you begin to sink deeper into my chest as I read out some of the bizarre attempts of ‘dropping into her DM’s’ I have ever seen. But I am glad you picked me.

Eventually, you look up at me, and something pulls us together. We share a kiss. This is what it was all building towards. I try not to think about the fact that I am kissing you after you ate that topping, but I don’t care as your lips taste perfect in mine. Things escalate, and the TV has an audience of none. This isn’t meant to be pure erotica though, so just know we take things to your bedroom and a night of good fun unravels. You can fill in the blanks.

Morning comes, and we find ourselves drinking the wine from each other's lips again. But I have an afternoon train, so we should probably take a shower and get ready to head back out. It was lovely, and the alcoholic buzz was replaced with infatuation. “When can I see you again?”

Thus begins the cycle. We struggle to find the perfect windows, but when we do, we settle in the new old routine and satisfy our urges for friends with benefits. No strings attached. No one wants strings.

Pity then that this isn’t something in our control. We come to learn more and more about each other and grow to learn and love the quirks of our personalities. 6-months pass and suddenly, you want a little more from me. 6-months pass, and I am still not over my old love. You want a little more from me, and I get scared that I can’t give you what you need. Not right now. I just need more time. I become avoidant. You tell me “I miss you”. And I reply with “Aww. We should meet again soon!”. Do I miss her?

I do. But I can’t let go. And I can’t commit to a person without getting over myself first. It reaches a point where I tell you this. For me, it can only be casual until I sort my shit out. You reluctantly agree.

Are we able to do this? Can you really just keep something like this casual? It’s what you wanted. Are you sure you’re ready to get hurt again?

F4M Leeds. Looking for a casual FWB.

It was only ever meant to be casual.