So this is probably going to come across badly and I’m not going to explain this well, because it’s hard to explain. But I’m going to have a go anyway.

I have this horse. She’s not my first horse, so I’m not new to this. She is incredibly kind, clever, and willing. She is anyone’s dream horse. I love her to bits like I love all my animals.

I’m used to horses that other people didn’t always understand. Horses that had weird behavioural quirks that I loved and found endearing. Horses that I built a relationship with in part because to them, I was different to other people, and they obviously treated me differently, like I was special. Horses I got the best out of in a way others didn’t.

My current girl has no quirks. No weirdness. No funny behaviours. She’s friendly and easily understood by everyone. She can be ridden by anyone. Any competent rider gets the same high level results from her. Shes currently pregnant and every exam she’s chill as anything. Happy for a pat and an apple.

She doesn’t need anything from you. She’s exactly the same with me as she is with a person she’s never met before.

I feel like we have no relationship.

I realise in many respects this horse is the dream and maybe I seem silly and ungrateful because I have one the horse lottery. I’ve had her since she was a yearling. Not one real injury. No illness. No paddock accidents. The most surefooted natural jumper I have ever seen, with the biggest, floatiest, most symmetrical paces. Sire was a Dutch warmblood doing Grand Prix dressage, dam was a very handy thoroughbred x Arabian showjumper.

She’s forward but not hot, calm without being slow or sluggish. Always willing, for some things even eager, but never excited. You teach her something new and she never pouts or stomps or refuses, she just learns the thing and then does it perfectly every time, like you’re trying to teach a PhD student how to perform some piece of advanced mathematics.

I just want a relationship with my horse that’s different from what she has with a random who gives her a carrot. I’ve always got there by managing quirks and challenges and succeeding together, but there’s no challenge here, nothing for us to overcome together.

I’m feeling a bit lost. I love her and she’s not going anywhere, I just feel like we’re both missing out and I’d like to fix that.