Seizure call. Oh wait, it’s for me

I don’t know what I’m expecting by making this post. I think I just need to get it off my chest. I’m a zero to hero paramedic, about 10 months post getting my patch. I absolutely and unequivocally love what I do. Yeah, some of the calls are bullshit, but even then I can find some pride in being the one to show up to help someone who doesn’t really need it but thinks they do. I love that I get to be that person to show up to be the light on their darker days. I’m proud of all the shit I went through to get to where I am. I hit school, EMT and medic hard. I studied every single day, 6-10 hours a day even on the days I didn’t have school. My car broke at the start of medic school so I walked. I walked to school (8 miles away one way), I walked to my clinicals (10 miles one way) I walked to my ride times (9 miles one way), and I fucking walked to these things at 6k elevation with my lovely 60lb backpack, uphill and through the cold ass rain and snow at 4 in the morning. It was worth every second to be where I am now. I really do try my hardest to make sure that I’m the patient advocate that I’d want my loved ones to have. I work on my weaknesses, I ask questions and I don’t let my fatigue or emotions come in the way of patient care no matter if I’m on a 48, or 72 or if it’s 3 in the morning. With all that said, I have a lot of other shit going on in my life. One of the issues is common with us, insomnia. My body for whatever reason won’t let me sleep for more than 2-3 hours most nights. It’s always been bad since as long as I can remember, I have parasomnia tagged in with it, but for the last 3 months or so the lack of sleep has hit an all time low. 5 days ago I got off a 24. (I do 72hr weeks). I was supposed to be home for 12 hours before going back for a 36, picking up a shift for one of my station mates who needed the help. I got home exhausted, I managed to catch two hours of sleep the previous shift, broken up into 1hr separate intervals. I stayed up for 2 hours with my wife watching some of our shows, soaking up the relaxing time. I missed her. Due to my sleep issue, for the past few months I don’t really choose to fall asleep. It feels like my brain just turns off for a small while and I wake up 2-3 hours later. That happened this time too, I don’t remember closing my eyes, but when I opened them my wife was screaming my name over me and crying. Panic across her face and bleeding through her body language. I tried to calm her immediately, asking what was wrong. Thinking maybe something happened to her or she got bad news. I noticed as I tried to sit up that my body wasn’t responding as usual. I wrote it off as being tired. My words also came out slower. She told me that I just had a seizure, a grand Mal seizure, status epilepticus that lasted a little over 8 minutes. A minute or two layer of me trying to argue that I didn’t remember anything, and PD suddenly came into my room. Immediately they asked me if I’d taken anything as apparently my pupils were a little constricted. I told them that no, I haven’t and explained what I’ve been doing in my last day. As they shook their heads at me, Acadian ambulance came in. At this point I kept thinking that I still lived with my dad for some reason (I’ve been moved out for years and years). My wife had to set a few of my thoughts straight and I noticed that this was really similar to my former pt’s postictal state. Long story short I sent the crew away and went to the hospital where they had no idea what happened. I took that day off work to recoup myself but since then I’ve gone back to work (I’m the sole provider of my house so I have to). Thing is I can’t really shake this fear that it’ll happen again. I’m afraid it might cause actual damage next time. I have no idea what really caused it, and I’m afraid of it happening at work or at home again, I don’t want to see my wife in that kind of fear again. Anyways, sorry for the novel. I’m just trying to get it off my chest. I hope everyone is doing well. Thanks for reading.