I think this is the most depressing part of epilepsy for me.

Anytime I see a photo, hear a story, etc. From 2015-2019 (mid highschool to mid college), I feel depressed.

It hurts when I hear my friends tell stories, laughing about happy things or reminiscing of hardships. And I'm just sitting there, acting like I remember it. It makes me feel like an outsider, someone who just entered a long existing social circle. despite knowing some of them since elementary school.

I was clearing old photos from my phone. And it was hard. I couldn't delete some of them even though they were just screenshots of conversations or photos of lecture slides.

I wish I could recover those memories. But I know that's impossible, especially because I was never even able to form the memories in the first place. I mean at it's worst, I had 100 seizures in a single year (normally it was only around 20/yr)

I'm just lost on how to cope with this.

Honestly, now that I've gone three years without a seizure, this hurts more since I'm starting to be able to form memories. I guess this is as much a vent as a question