it was a few weeks ago. i started drinking coffee instead of every meal which i normally do but doesn’t always work. i forget. i forget about the obsession. and then a few weeks ago i stopped forgetting. i remembered the internal rules i have. and i started doing them. i won’t go into detail because i don’t want to trigger anyone. but now ana is back. she’s in full control. i’m sitting in my car trying to force myself to eat this stupid fucking protein bar that will be the only calories i’ve had besides coffee creamer and coffee in 3 days. and i’m crying because i’ve tricked my body into thinking good is so bad that i’m nauseated at the thought. even though i go into a spiral of sadness and depressive symptoms when i don’t eat. and i’m so angry and myself and i don’t understand why the fuck i can’t just eat the stupid fucking bar. i don’t want to go back to the hospital. i can’t afford to give up my job. both fiscally and mentally. i work with animals and i love my job. and i don’t want my coworkers to know how ill i am. i don’t want them to treat me different and ask me if i’ve ate or pay attention to it or all of the things i’m used to from my past where everyone knew. i started over for a reason and i’m heading right back to the same place

and i’m so mad because at the same time i don’t want help. and i’m mad at myself because of that.