I apologize in advance if this post is all over the place:

It’s important to know that next month will be the one year anniversary of my father’s passing.

I recently watched a TV show that addresses the topic of eating disorders and a lot of resonated with me especially since it is something I never thought of.

I am a believer that my dad had an eating disorder and that he ate himself to death. He was very overweight, had many health issues, and couldn’t stop eating. I’m talking 3 meals, like 6 snacks a day, and so much fluid intake. It was at times hard to watch, but despite how much my family loved him - he couldn’t stop and he knew best.

Since watching this TV show, I’ve thought about things with me and realized that maybe I have something going on and it never occurred to me.

After doing some quick basic research on eating disorders, I couldn’t really find any one specific eating disorder I would fall under: The following are my eating problems:

• When eating alone, I struggle to eat my whole meal. Eating my whole meal often feels daunting so I try to eat it in small bites and pieces. For breakfast I usually have a bagel with cream cheese, but in the last year I’ve noticed I can only eat like half at most before feeling like I should puke. Actually most times when I am alone I feel like I need to puke when I am eating. Often times this causes me to eat only partial meals and sometimes even skip eating. Perhaps I’m anxious when I eat alone?

• What’s weird is when I am with people, I am 95% of the time fine as if nothing is wrong. Rarely I’ll feel I need to puke or need to stop or cant eat and I’d usually reply with something like I am not hungry.

I think I’m scared of becoming like my dad who ate himself to death. When it comes to meals is when I have noticed my struggles. But snack wise I don’t seem bothered at all and can easily eat a cookie or a free sample or whatever it is without thinking twice. And this is what kind of scares me is that I should eat when I am hungry like my 3 meals. And I shouldn’t eat as much when I am not hungry like snacks and such. Yet I find myself having no self control like my dad did with snacks, yet I cant eat my meals properly. I think part of me thinks that I dont want to eat as much food as him so I won’t eat my meals properly, yet I find myself hungry and snacking because I am not eating my meals.

I’m sorry if this post makes zero to sense. I just am not sure if I should be exploring an eating disorder or maybe if this is a mental thing with my dad’s death? I know they are in a way very similar, but I also dont recall anything like this happening to me prior to his passing