I am having a pretty shit day. I finally got into the virtual PHP program and had my first whole day today and it went good but my ED thoughts are awful today. I definitely restricted today even though I begged myself not to so now I'm feeling guilty.

And then to top it all off, I definitely fished for a compliment of some kind from my husband in gopes that I would feel a bit better. He wanted to take our son to his work and when I asked why he said "Because I want to show him off!" So I said "Do you want to show me off?" And he just said no. I couldn't tell if he was joking but it didn't sound like it. I dunno, it's really stupid but I just needed him to say yes. I just needed to feel like I'm good enough or worth being showed off and now the ED thoughts are worse, which I know is my fault. If I didn't fish for a compliment my ED wouldn't be screaming at me to listen to it because it didn't happen.

I just feel like giving up. I feel like my husband could do better and would be better off without me and I feel like my son deserves better than a mom who can't get themself to eat for him. I feel ugly and fat and worthless and unlovable and like a burden and I really just want to go back to listening to my ED because at least when I listen to it, I don't have to feep all this pain.

Why does recovery have to be so hard? How can I make this easier on me mentally so I don't give up?