Congratulations!

You have just selected your very own ESTJ Executive unit! As our most popularly selected unit available you are sure to be pleased. In fact, satisfaction is guaranteed! If you are unsatisfied with your unit simply submit a complaint directly to your unit itself.

Your ESTJ will come with the following accessories:

• One (1) Professionally Tailored Power Suit™
• One (1) Set of lounge clothes
• One (1) formal outfit for religious and formal events
• One (1) Laptop
• Two (2) Cell phones
• One (1) Gym Membership
• One (1) Pair of smart gloves for texting
• One (1) Bluetooth headset (for talking to people while talking to people)

Software

Your ESTJ comes pre-programmed with the following traits;

Te: As the dominant function, this provides your ESTJ unit with unmatched efficiency and a keen understanding of what works in a practical setting. This function provides your unit with high levels of organization and practicality as well as a blunt clarity in communication style that other units may find abrasive.

Si: This function provides your unit with a mental database of previously established effective methods of handing situations it has encountered before that can be recalled quickly when needed.

Ne: This function provides your unit with a boost to creative problem solving when facing a new situation or when previously established methods are no longer effective.

Fi: This function provides your unit with moral indignation and superiority as well as curiously strong attachment bonds to carefully selected partners. As the inferior function your ESTJ will avoid accessing this software as much as possible as it directly interferes with their default mode.

Getting Started

There is no need for a quick-start procedure. Your ESTJ will be fully functional and activated right out of the box. In fact, there is no box because excess packaging is highly inefficient.

Modes

Get Shit Done Mode (default)- When in this mode your ESTJ will complete any and all necessary tasks required for successful completion of the assigned goals. In order to activate this mode, your ESTJ will require suggestion(s) and/or idea(s) to be presented. If more than one suggestion or idea is presented your ESTJ will automatically select the most effective or efficient one and proceed to get that shit done. This mode can be intermittently active for however long is necessary to complete the project.

Do Absolutely Nothing Mode - Automatically activated after completion of a major project deadline. Your ESTJ unit will cease all productive function and instead do absolutely nothing until it is sufficiently recharged.

Oh Hell No Mode - Activated whenever someone assumes your ESTJ unit will get shit done but neither asks nor directly informs your unit. When activated your ESTJ unit will express noticeable aggravation towards the assuming person and refuse to complete the task as a matter of principle.

You’re Doing It Wrong Mode - When activated this mode has two possible outcomes; 50% chance of activating the “fine, give it to me” response. In such cases your ESTJ will assume responsibility for a task which they no longer can observe another unit fail to satisfactorily complete. If this response does not activate your ESTJ will simply watch in smug amusement considering it a fitting lesson. This mode will deactivate after your unit says “I told you so”

Touchy-Feely Mode (locked) - Randomly activated by what is assumed to be fluctuating levels of hormones and emotions within your ESTJ unit. Also can usually be unlocked and activated by having your ESTJ unit watch an action movie with a strong emotional component (i.e. Big Hero 6)

Relationships with Other Units

NF: Finds them confusing but likable. Good project partners that provide good energy to a group.

NT: Generally very confused by them. Sometimes Infuriating, but your ESTJ is unable to walk away from what it perceives to be a mess. Often surprised that NTs do not walk away first. Confused by their seeming inability to accept statements at face value and instead to analyze everything.

SJ: These units make sense to your ESTJ, who considers them to be good people provided they are willing to try something new when the old methods do not work.

SP: Frequently cause eye rolling in your ESTJ. Finds them fun to have around but hard to take seriously or respect. When SP units feed your ESTJ it will probably like them, but may still not respect them.

Feeding

For optimal performance, provide your ESTJ with food on a regular basis. While it will cook for itself, cooking is seen as an interruption to getting shit done. Cooking is inefficient because you have to cook again at the next meal.

Grooming

Your ESTJ will groom itself. No need to concern yourself there.

Sleeping

Your ESTJ will automatically enter sleep mode when the body shuts down. Any attempt to induce sleep prior to shut down will be met with hostile resistance.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is my ESTJ thinking?
Whatever the last thing your ESTJ said was.

What is my ESTJ feeling?
Neutral unless otherwise stated

How do I plan a date for my ESTJ?
Come up with a detailed plan and submit it to your ESTJ. Wait for notes providing suggestions for improvement. Follow the notes.

Why does my ESTJ have so much criticism?
Your ESTJ is not criticizing you - just your plans and ideas. Your ESTJ is simply trying to help you improve your ideas and plans as much as possible.

But have you considered….
Yes. Your ESTJ unit has already considered that. Thank you for your input.

Again, Congratulations of your new ESTJ unit! Now go be productive!