I accidentally triggered EMDR while telling my HUSBAND about my rape from when I was 11 years old. I had taken a gram of mushrooms and do NOT know how we got on the subject. I Am bipolar 2. I've had multiple tramas in my life, that was the first. My brain blocked out details to protect me. I'm okay with that. I have always refused to do EMDR & never looked into it. I thought some sort of light had to be used. Now I realize you follow whatever light with your eyes to create the back and forth pattern. Of your eyes. I guess just trying to remember details (because this was 20 years ago & I do not recall ever telling anyone the full story) and I subconsciously was doing that.

HOLY FUCFUCK.

I WAS IN THE ROOM.

It sent me into a full blown panic.

Went to sleep, woke up the next day fine.

Got to work at 10AM. As soon as my heartrate started to increase because I was running around and BLAM it took off & I had to stop. Sit, breathe and gather myself enough to go get a bag of ice on me somewhere ASAP. ANXIETY. Like I've never felt before. I'm alot of things but anxious usually is not one of them.

Anytime I took that bag of ice off my chest or my back. Not even 5 minutes later I was having to make another to replace.

I do not feel like I need to be hospitalized YET. But I don't make alot of money, don't have insurance. (PLEASE GOD IM DESPRATE ANY RESOURCES FOR FREE OR CHEAPER THERAPY IN TX, USA DM ME)

3 different people caught me crying in the walk in during my shift yesterday. I've worked here a whole year haven't cried in the Cooler once. Everyone is used to me bouncing off the wall, happy way too energetic. I don't know what they said to me. I did not respond. I had found the perfect little spot where I could lean against a shelf and the fans were blowing the cold air directly onto my face had a slowly drinking from a glass of water EYES STRAIGHT FORWARD.

I am terrified to move my eyes. Don't even want to attempt to use my peripheral vision.

CONSTANT ANXIETY.

I just finished a dose of tapered prednisone (which did not help this situation) and have had trouble sleeping the past 2 weeks. I've missed multiple days. & now I'm TERRIFIED to even close my eyes much less go to sleep.

I am a vivid dreamer naturally. I cannot take melatonin because it makes my dreams nightmares. I KNOW I will have the dream I dread soon & i don't know what's going to happen.

I'm having STRONG URGES to confront my attacker. That little girl has some questions she has always wanted answered. I THOUGHT I was okay. Processed & moved on from this. Maybe I was. But not anymore.

I want to go sit on the bed of my truck in his driveway and suprise him whenever he gets home from work.

Oh I'm fantasizing about him coming into the restaurant I work at and me having the pleasure of being his server. My Husband grabbing him on the way home & to my suprise he's bloody and beaten waiting for me to do what he did to me when I get home. The feeling I get whenever I think about holding him down, telling him I don't care if you thought you wanted to and your scared now. YOU'RE GONNA STAY THERE UNTIL IM FINISHED.

There is a possibility I'm going to wind up in Jail.

This was my best friends older cousin. I had a little crush on him. They were neighbors. We snuck out late one summer night and I was making out with this boy in the pool. I did crawl into his bedroom window that night.

I don't know what happened between that house and my best friends, but whenever I got back. I did not tell her how things went down. I can't remember what was said, but NOTHING about what really happened. Well maybe however long before the condom broke. But not after.

I NEED to talk to my mother. She must have noticed something was off about me and pestered me until I told her something.

She knew something had happened to her child.

Especially if it was anything at all how I was behaving yesterday.

Long story short, I'm the girl who said yes, changed her mind, called the guy a rapist & everyone's like no. You got in trouble for having sex & so you lied & said you were raped.

I didn't go running to my momma because I DID have sex & i was so scared I was going to be in trouble.

I was always in trouble & always a little fiber.

Since I've gotten older I've done research & in some places I guess it's not considered rape.

Regardless, I need help. TODAY. It's beautiful outside so I have been outdoors, relaxing with my dogs. Doing some breathing exercises. Drinking plenty of water. Water is EXTREMELY relaxing to me so lots of showers. My favorite funky jams playing to keep my spirts high and in a good mood.

But I have to go to work later & I'm terrified. Scared it's going to get busy (praying to God for a slow Friday night) because if I get anywhere near the weeds and don't have the time I need to calm myself down my brain is going to shut off and these people will see me have a mental breakdown. & at the very least I will end up institutionalized.

Send help.

Also, if anyone thinks actually doing EMDR with a therapist can help me recover from this please opinions wanted.

Bi polar individuals doing EMDR, feedback please. I've heard we are not good candidates.

It's only been a day. So I have no idea what I'm in for. But I know I am not at a place healthy enough mentally to process this on my own.

RESOURCES PLEASE AGAIN FOR THE USofA.

THANK YOU.

PLEASE feel free to DM.

I NEED to talk to someone who has experienced this. I went to my Aunts house this morning & all she kept saying was I'm not a therapist.