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My toxic mom gave me the wrong kind of eating disorder :(
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Content warning: venting about being a large person with ED, slightly negative tone towards smaller people with ED so maybe skip this one if that would bother you

My mom was very large and hated it. She got a gastric bypass and still managed to get even larger. In turn, she made the same full of calories food she ate for her meals, and just gave me very small saucer sized plates to eat off of so I was starving every day. It made me end up hiding food in my room (that I got in trouble for) and in my adult life binging on food to feel happiness. And it's just so annoying to know many children had a parent that gave them an eating disorder but they got the one that makes society think they're beautiful, while I got the one that for some dumb reason makes society hate me? Even though we're both unhealthy? Honestly it's so fucking annoying.

I got enough of the "skinny mentality" to hate that I've gained this much weight, but not enough to actually be skinny.

I feel self conscious when someone posts a picture with me just like any person with ED, with the added fun of someone possibly commenting "who's that big girl ruining the picture?" (Has happened to me)

I feel self conscious in my skin just like anyone with an ED with the added bonus that strangers may comment to me that I actually am too heavy (has happened to me)

I feel self conscious when I look at media because my body isn't exactly like what I'm seeing, with the added bonus that my body is no where near close to the body im seeing, and never seeing a body like mine shown as beautiful or sexy or appealing.

I feel self conscious while trying on clothes with the added bonus that most stores clothes will be too small for me and if they fit, they probably aren't stylish.

The most often I've seen myself in media is magazine/tv/social media posts saying "I was so gross when I looked like this!" (Someone shaped like me) "and now I feel so much better that I look like this!" (Someone who looks how I wished I looked)

Obviously, I would like to say I totally understand that smaller people with EDs probably deal with these same problems, or problems that I don't face (and I'd love to hear about them, I love an opportunity to feel more empathy). This is just me venting about being a bigger person with ED and I understand and am very sorry if these points hurt someone else.

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2 years ago