I thought if I was certified and admitted involuntarily I’d feel sick enough to recover. That happened, I’ve been out of hospital for a month. Now I feel like it wasn’t that bad because I didn’t get an IV, tube, or wasn’t in the medical ward overnight first. I had sinus bradycardia, hair loss, dizziness, but that’s all. Why does part of me want to be admitted involuntarily again after some near death experience? Why do I want a tube? It’s so fucking stupid because it means I’d fail university in my last year and I don’t want that. I feel like my team won’t take me seriously if I stop loosing weight, restricting, and purging. I’m so conflicted and these intrusive thoughts about it needing to be worse and be tubed/almost die from ED are CONSTANT.