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Binged two days ago, my boyfriend came over, we had dinner together and I just went crazy on anything I could get my hands on. My stomach hurt SO bad. I could barely walk. Now I’m having more trouble restricting as low as I usually do, and I feel invalid as fuck.
My brain is telling me that I’m instantly not anorexic anymore, and I cannot deal with it at all. I don’t know how to deal with it. Rationally I know that I’m currently not even binging anymore, but I can’t deal with what counts as ‘overeating’ for me.
I HATE this stupid ass mf illness. I wish I could eat a burger or a pizza in peace.
I relate to this a lot. My bf looovess to cook, he’s great at it and it’s like a love language to him, so I can’t bring myself to not eat what he lovingly cooks me. He loves taking me out to dinner and always chooses delicious places. But I feel so discombobulated / stomach pained afterwards and immediately like oh cool I no longer have an ed I’m totally normal now, my ass is eating so much over here. It feels like overeating for me too.
Idk how to deal with it beyond thinking ‘I love him, he loves me and wants me to be healthy’, even if I don’t necessarily want to be. It’s hard to calm down from spirals of ‘fuck if I gain I won’t be attractive to him anymore’ and other intrusive thoughts like that, even tho it’s obviously not true and is a cognitive distortion. This is where therapy comes in 💜
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