Obviously you’re all going to say I am.

The reality is that everything in my life is better when I’m slightly underweight. I feel confident, I’m treated better in everything from social to family to professional settings, my husband is more attracted to me and we have better sex. My mental health is so much better thin, my body feels light and comfortable. So how can anyone tell me I should recover?. I was briefly overweight right after giving birth and I spiraled so darkly my baby was the only thing keeping me alive and the small glimmer of hope I would be thin again. Those dark days are past and nothing, I mean nothing seems worth it to return. If recovery means gaining and gaining means being unable to sleep because every which way I roll my arm fat squishes and I desperately want to cut it off, feeling like a lumbering ogre entering rooms, being unable to see family and friends again lest they see my size and stop seeing me as the skinny one - why, why would I ever recover??

I haven’t lost a period or fainted or anything extreme, have carried healthy pregnancies and I’ve had disordered habits and mindset for 10 years so I believe I’m in a safe zone. Is it possible to be only kind of having an ED? Like just enough to become thin but not enough to land in the hospital? If it is possible, I’m there.

Presently I’m just above underweight and my eating habits have been pretty healthy. But I’m profoundly uncomfortable in my body and mind and I want to be very skinny again and I know the only way to do that is to bust out my diet mt dew and my thinspo and my tricks.

I’m sorry if this comes off as flippant, I actually want to be talked out of this if there’s a compelling argument anyone can share.