I (17) have had an ednos since I was 13. I've been doing rly good these past 2 years having fully recovered and during this time I met my now closest friend—let's call her jade (19). jade knows about all my current mental health situations and I know of hers bc we're rly open about this kind of thing. she knows of my bipolar and my autism, I know of her adhd and depression. we always support each other as best we can through everything.

jade and I bond over our shared love for gymming and getting muscular. we always make jokes about everyone is always wanting to lose weight and slim down whereas we actually want to gain and bulk up. it's an ongoing thing for us and its never been triggering or anything. if anything, it's helped me stay in recovery to have someone so confident and free about what they want even if it goes against the norm.

recently, it has been school holiday. I work in childcare, so school holiday also means work holiday. holidays are hard because all my friends (jade included) live an hour or so away, so I pretty much rot at home. it tends to be triggering because I'm usually so active with the work I do but during holidays I'm barely up and about. this holiday was especially hard, because my cousin—whom I hadn't seen for a few months prior to this—had made a comment about my weight. it sent me spiralling, and I'm currently in the depths of my restrictive eating once again, after 2 years of recovery.

I'd like to tell jade about this because I fucking hate this and I want to recover, but I feel like I'm betraying her. we've been on this "defy the norms" journey of wanting to bulk up and get buff for so long and I just feel shitty for giving in to my ED so easily again. she wouldn't take it personally obv. she'd be supportive and kind and helpful. but I can't help but feel this gnawing anxiety that I'll somehow fuck up the friendship.

I'm also afraid that telling her will have her tiptoeing around topics like food and weight around me which is the last thing I want. I'd hate for her to feel like she has to be careful just bc I've fallen back into my bad habits. anyway, I just dunno what to do. I want to tell her. how tho?

TL;DR: after 2yrs of recovery I've fallen back into my ED and idk how to tell my closest friend without feeling like a failure and an attention seeking prat