I'm honestly horrified at myself. I have the option to go into treatment or to go to EDA/OA, but I just don't want to until I hit my GW. I literally don't want any help until I hit my GW, because the last time I went to treatment I gained a lot. What the fuck is wrong with me. This is literally an addiction and I'm scared of who I am and who I'm becoming. I'm lying to my family and my partner about not eating, I'm addicted to all of the different feelings that come with AN, I'm lying to my doctor right now about my ADHD medicine not influencing my AN, and I'm hoarding the food I can eat under my bed. I don't even know if I can say please help me because I'm too far in, I just needed to vent. Thank you.