Cw si, sh, anatomy, surgery

I’m having such a bad time. I’m in that awkward waiting time between plastic consult and uro and gyn consults and I have a lot of self harm urges, and I just am having such a terrible time managing them.

Gave into it this weekend and got stitches and now my emotional side wants to more but my rational side knows it’s far too risky. I’m in this hell and I don’t know how I’m gonna get through it.

Uro consult is Monday but that’s just cursory, gyn consult is 12/14 and hopefully I’ll get the date for vnectomy then or shortly thereafter, guessing it’ll be 4-8 weeks away. But then a min of 3 mos before the actual metoidioplasty

I’m so at the end of my distress tolerance. (I am seeing a therapist, he is aware, he is ftm himself so he gets it.) I hate feeling like I’m a risk to myself but it’s also not like there’s a psych treatment for this shit and obviously I can’t just like stay in a psych unit awaiting my dates bc a) that’s ridiculous and b) that’s expensive.

I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up when this is all done. I don’t want to kill myself I just don’t know how to cope with this waiting.

And even when it's all done, I fear this feeling will just stay around because I won't have real balls and won't be able to ejaculate and no matter what I won't have the sexual functioning a man has.