So my friends and I all overwhelmingly agree that I have BDD. I am also uninsured and do not qualify for insurance of any kind, so that has been an obstacle in my quest for treatment.

But I recently discovered a mental health facility that helps uninsured patients. But there's still an obstacle.

I abhor the idea of gradual exposure therapy. In my case, it would be something like prompting me to wear less and less makeup until I go somewhere bare-faced. But the idea to me is completely stupid. Even if I did go somewhere bare-faced, so what? Yeah, I'd know I could survive it, but then the BDD would still be there in full force. And I don't see why I should have to look bad and feel embarrassed when it won't reduce my BDD symptoms. For me, it's not so much a fear that has to go away. It's more of a refusal to look bad. And I also think I have actual delusions. Gradual exposure won't do anything for delusions, and even if it did, I would rather suffer for the rest of my life and die alone than humiliate myself in public with no makeup on.

That, and I have always hated the idea of therapy. It's not pride. It's rocking the boat. It's stirring the pot. It's opening up a can of worms that I sealed off along time ago.

But if I knew I wouldn't have to do gradual exposure therapy, I just might consider it. Maybe. Possibly . . .