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Since I was little I deal with problems about my body, I have an insane amount of wild hair, I use to have a big problem with acne, so I take the birth control pills for taking my hormones under control, and that's quite funny cause I'm lesbian so I use it only for medical reasons. I get bullied A LOT during middle school and that's why I have a maybe distorted vision of myself, thinking I'm ugly and unacceptable. My grandma since I remember always had something to say about my hair, my posture, pushing me to wear makeup or dress, to look more "girly" and seems "pretty" sometimes, when I was younger she used to say that I had to comb my hair again because I looked like an "homeless". I'm not really a girly girl, sometimes I like to wear dresses and stuff but for the most of the time I'm just ok with wild hair, t-shirt and no makeup, I'm trying to thinking about a way to like me and be "pretty" for myself only and not for others but it's an hard way, even if I'm 22 all the pressure I was going through still hunt me, just like the words of my bullies in middle school. Since May 15th I have a long distance relationship with an adorable girl, we are 6-7 hours apart, and in Italy it's truly A LOT so (even because there's the lockdown) we message, call each other and videochat, I was super nervous the first time we had a videochat, I thought she was going to thought that I was disgusting, after a long chat we hang up and she messaged me "you're beautiful" and she keep saying it from time to time even if I am the romantic one. Since I start chatting with her my grandma said that I must prepare myself and "be pretty" ...for her standard. I just want to be me. Today I was going to fall asleep on the couch after a big meal but my grandma started talking "I bought you some makeup so you can do this and that..." I just said "I don't like makeup" "Oh do you wanna look like a person that's just escaped from an hospital when you will see your girlfriend? Don't you care about seems at least pretty?" I smiled "She thinks I'm beautiful" "Oh....so don't you wanna be... gorgeous? "I'm ok with beautiful" And then I fell asleep with a little smile on my face.
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- 4 years ago
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