On April 21st 2024 my oldest son committed suicide. I had just been handed everything I ever planted seeds for in the career and ambition category. Literally that day, as if it were all put on a scale by God and I chose the wrong answer. Then I get home to find out my son was missing. I searched for him for 3 days to no avail. Literal nightmare on its own accord. On the fourth day my friend found him in the woods lying next to a tree from apparent suicide. When I tell you that was the worst day of my entire life I’m not kidding. I really thought I was going to find him being a typical teenager and just being rebellious. But no, my son chose to leave me and his family on his own accord. He was bullied to an incredible extent at school and no one said anything, not even him. Then one day decided to walk himself to the woods.

Fast forward to today. God is my only source of wisdom and I am choosing to follow him through this battle. (I know that’s not everyone’s path/ no judgement here). Without him I literally wouldn’t survive each passing day.

I’ve also started to focus on my mental health way more and giving intentional love to all around me. I mean everyone. You’d be absolutely surprised the change in energy around you afterwards.

I’ve always been the lover of the family (USMC if you’d believe it lol). I do this by first learning to love myself through this tragedy. Because as a Dad of 4 I’m having a hard time believing I’m a good dad if my own son would leave me the way my step dad did knowing the destruction that follows such an event.

Secondly- after I charge up on God love and fill my cup, I let my cup overflow to my children with very close one on one time. You can’t fill someone’s else’s cup if yours is empty. Mine was empty for years and unfortunately I seemed to be trying to fill my son’s cup up with an empty cup.

Thirdly- I’ve chosen to seek the things that charge my batteries. Me time/God-Bible time, fun activities with my wife and boys such as reigniting our love for the beach and going shark tooth hunting, and surfing. Can’t wait to get my other two boys in the water like I had my oldest in my Hawaii days as a Marine. We also do a lot of hunting in the winter being from Mississippi and all. So we will doing that this year as well. That one will be particularly hard due to the time me and my son have spent in those stands together. Distractions and play time with the kiddos go further than you would think once you feel like your world has all of a sudden become a prison.

Fourthly- routine and discipline to that routine is crucial. As a recruit Marine in boot camp I went in as a smoker. I was absolutely dreading going through the first week. However I was so busy and made us adopt their routine to a painful extent. I don’t even remember thinking about nicotine my entire boot camp experience (unfortunately I picked it back up soon after in the fleet and am still in that prison to this day). I say this to say routine will help you compartmentalize your days to where every day is wailing fest. There are other kiddos to raise and they don’t deserve depressed parents for the rest of their lives. This one takes time. Refer back to filling your own cup back up.

Once I saw my son’s face in the wave during Hurricane Debbie I decided to get back to surfing. Me and my Son’s original passion. If you’re in the Waves Z-Man, then to the waves I return! See you in the line up kiddo!!