I am in my mid 30s and I only tried drugs for the first time about a year ago - G and pills. I rarely even had alcohol prior to that.

I enjoyed it so much that for the first little while I was using a little bit every few weeks. Then it settled once a month.

But that once a month, I go in fairly hard, and I noticed early on that I seem to have a really high tolerance. 1.7-1.8ml of G each time (x4 or x5 over the night), and these days one pill that was enough before isn't enough to do anything (and it's maybe 3-5 pills over a night).

When I am then partying on this stuff, I get so 'into' it that I crave more and more and more and won't take no for an answer when my partner says it's time to slow down, and will start mixing it with everything. I'll drink alcohol (but not very much, a few drinks with which to down the G), I'll take viagra to make sure I can stay hard for sex later, if someone offers MDMA powder or ket (which I'd never done before), I'll just do a wee bit to 'top up the high' when the other stuff starts wearing off if I'm still at the party.

Now, in my mind once a month of this (ish) seems not too bad, but then I realise that even after a night that was a total mess and I feel all ashamed and say 'never again', within a couple weeks I am desperate for the experience again and then the 'monthly event' is back on.

I am worried that I am discovering I have an addictive personality and should maybe back off completely. What are your thoughts? Am I doing too much in a night? Is once a month of this too much?